Sunday, June 30, 2013


Hi my name is Heidi and I am a control freak,

3:00am on 6/30/13 and I am coming back to myself for the first time in what seems like forever. I am crying as I write this, I haven’t felt the Lord’s presence like this is months!!! I have missed him so much!!! I allowed my pride to overcome me, and have sacrificed my relationship with him because apparently I thought I could do a better job than he could (sarcasm). There is nothing like the presence of the Holy Spirit, oh how I’ve missed it.

The faithfulness of God still brings me to my knees. I have been a stubborn, mean spirited, prideful, arrogant little princess and he still loves me and pursues me. I feel so humbled and broken. But mostly I feel FREE… His love is the purest, kindest, and most honest thing I have ever experienced. Even in my most honest ugliest moments he pursues me. “Therefore, behold I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her” – Hosea 2:14

For years God has been healing wounds, changing my thinking, and removing sinful thinking, he has had me face fears, and be truly honest with myself. Spiritual Cardiology is one of the most honest and freeing yet painful things you can do because it requires you to see your true self. It is the most beautiful experiences because it shows you how God has been loving the real you. Not the dressed up you or the person you try to be, he loves the you that nobody sees that is infected and dying.

I have been in a relationship for 10 months now with an amazing man. Jeremy has embodied God’s patience and love toward me, and I have fought it the whole way. When we were first dating I don’t know how many times I said “Why don’t you just leave” and even since then there have been many times he has tried and tried to just love me and I have been mean in response and rejected him. I don’t know when it happened but I made up my mind I was going to be strong and didn’t realize it at the time but made up my mind I wasn’t going to be vulnerable. There are few men in my life that I have truly trusted and by golly I was going to make him prove it. The truth is deep down I was just a scared little girl afraid of trusting him because I was afraid he would leave, and if I put up my walls he couldn’t hurt me right? In the process of doing this I have hurt him and hurt myself many times. The real thoughts in my head were how could he love such an overweight girl? What if I’m myself and he leaves? The scariest thing is to show your real self, not the self you dress up for the public the REAL you.

While escaping Jeremy I also closed myself off to God in the process. I cut out my best friend??? Why? Out of guilt! I was behaving really ugly and I didn’t want to take down my walls. I was scared out of my mind I wasn’t about to make myself vulnerable. I feel so at peace now because I’ve been honest with myself and God for the first time in a long time. I am so thankful that God loves me for who I really am but doesn’t leave me that way!!!

Thankful this Sunday morning for a God who never gives up on me, an amazing boyfriend who loves me even in my ugliest moments, and for FREEDOM from sin. Ironic that July 4th is coming up soon? I think not J

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there if Freedom” – 2 Corinthians 3:17

Hi my name is Heidi and God saves me from my control freak ways :)

 

Saturday, June 2, 2012

How God uses a Spiritual Father as a Tool for Healing


This blog is dedicated to a God that has never let me go and to the most amazing Spiritual Father a girl could have (Michael Welchert)

For the last 6 years God has been radically healing my heart. I was a complete emotional mess when I started on this amazing journey 6 years ago. When I was introduced to the father heart of God it completely changed my life. Never in my life had I experienced such compassion, love, faithfullness, and gentleness. If there is one thing I have learned to love about God is how gentle he is. He is tough when he needs to be but he knows just how to speak to my heart and love on me. He is truly the love of my life. I can't even put into to words the amazing way he has spoken to my heart and how patient he has been with me.

One of the greatest gifts my Lord has given me comes in the form of another person. Michael Welchert is one of greatest men I have ever known. He saw me at my rock bottom. When I first came to his office I was a pothetic mess. At that point I was planning my suicide and I hated life. Before I left his office the first time he had told he was proud of me and that as a father he loved me. Something about him was so genuine and i knew he meant it. The truth is that at that point there wasnt much there to love but he saw me for what I could be not for what i was.

I have always been that person that is classified as "needy". Until recently I realized I am not that person anymore. Years ago God convicted me of being what I call an "emotional whore". I would give my heart to anyone because I just wanted to be loved. The concept of "Guarding your Heart" was non-exsistant in my universe. It wasnt until this year that I saw a diffrence. God used Pastor Michael to heal a place in my heart that i never thought would be healed.  I always thought i would be emotionally needy. For the first time in 10 years or more I genuinely trusted a man again besides God. He became my spiritual daddy and God has used him to heal my heart in such a remarkable way. He is always there to encourage me, tell me he's proud of me, and call me a princess or tink (i can't tell you how important those nicknames are to me). God used him and continues to use him to build my self confidence.

Now instead of being ready and willing in a moments notice to give my heart away to just anybody. I have come to realize how important my heart is. how it belongs to God and how it is to be treasured. It's important to love everybody but you can't give your heart away to people like it's a piece of bread. For the first time in my life I feel comfortable to be myself and I feel my heart is valueable. God gave me the most amazing mentor and spiritual daddy in Pastor Michael. He calls me on my crap, loves me, encourages me, and for the first time in a decade Im not afraid of a man who means a lot to me abandoning me. For anyone who knows me this is so huge.

(Yoda, Pastor Micahel, Papa Welchert) - I will never be able to express the love I have for you in my heart. You are the greatest man I know and I love you so much!!! Thank You for taking a chance on me and for sticking by me. You have been God with skin on to me and that has healed me in ways I never thought possible. Thank You for being my mentor!!! I hope I always make you proud!!! The mark you have left upon my heart is one I will never forget!!! Thank You for being a guardian for all of us that were left behind!!! You are defiantly a fisher of hearts and souls of young people needing a spiritual father. You are my hero!!! Because of you I finally am able to live up to the meaning of my name "The Noble One"

I love you Yoda

- Tink :)

Tuesday, December 20, 2011




HOW SHALL I PRAY?

A Prayer by Ted Loder (Prayers for the Battle)


How shall I pray?
Are tears prayers, Lord?

Are screams prayers,
or groans
or sighs
or curses?
Can trembling hands be lifted to you,
or clenched fists
or the cold sweat that trickles down my back
or the cramps that knot my stomach?
Will you accept my prayers, Lord,
my real prayers,
rooted in the muck and the mud and the rock of my life,
and not just my pretty, cut-flower, gracefully arranged
bouquet of words?
Will you accept me, Lord,
as I really am,
messed up mixture of glory and grime?
Lord, help me!
Help me to trust that you do accept me as I am,
that I may be done with self-condemnation
and self-pity
and accept myself.
Help me to accept you as you are, Lord:
mysterious,
hidden,
strange,
unknowable;
and yet to trust
that your madness is wiser
than my timid, self-seeking sanities,
and that nothing you've ever done
has really been possible,
so I may dare to be a little mad, too. 

Monday, December 19, 2011

         
 Help Me to Believe in Beginnings  
by Ted Loder (Guerillas of Grace, Prayers for the Battle)
God of history and of my heart,
so much has happened to me during these whirlwind days:
I’ve known death and birth;
I’ve been brave and scared;
I’ve hurt, I’ve helped;
I’ve been honest, I’ve lied;
I’ve destroyed, I’ve created;
I’ve been with people, I’ve been lonely;
I’ve been loyal, I’ve betrayed;
I’ve decided, I’ve waffled;
I’ve laughed and I’ve cried. 
You know my frail heart and my frayed history -
and now another day begins.
O God, help me to believe in beginnings
and in my beginning again,
no matter how often I’ve failed before.
Help me to make beginnings:
to begin going out of my weary mind
into fresh dreams,
daring to make my own bold tracks
in the land of now;
to begin forgiving
that I may experience mercy;
to begin questioning the unquestionable
that I may know truth
to begin disciplining
that I may create beauty;
to begin sacrificing
that I may make peace;
to begin loving
that I may realize joy.
  
Help me to be a beginning to others,
to be a singer to the songless,
a storyteller to the aimless,
a befriender of the friendless;
to become a beginning of hope for the despairing,
of assurance for the doubting,
of reconciliation for the divided;
to become a beginning of freedom for the oppressed,
of comfort for the sorrowing,
of friendship for the forgotten;
to become a beginning of beauty for the forlorn,
of sweetness for the soured,
of gentleness for the angry,
of wholeness for the broken,
of peace for the frightened and violent of the earth 

 Help me to believe in beginnings,
to make a beginning,
to be a beginning,
so that I may not just grow old,
but grow new
each day of this wild, amazing life
you call me to live
with the passion of Jesus Christ.

What Can I Believe ( poem by Ted Loder)


This is a poem by Ted Loder in Guerrillas of Grace (Prayers for the Battle)

WHAT CAN I BELIEVE

O God, I am so fragile:
my dreams get broken,
my relationships get broken,
my heart gets broken,
my body gets broken.

What can I believe,
except that you will not despise a broken heart,
that old and broken people shall yet dream dreams,
and that the lame shall leap for joy,
the blind see,
the deaf hear.

What can I believe,
except what Jesus taught:
that only what is first broken, like bread,
can be shared;
that only what is broken,
is open to your entry;
that old wineskins must be ripped open and replaced
if the wine of new life is to expand.

So, I believe, Lord;
help my unbelief
that I may have courage to keep trying
when I am tired,
and to keep wanting passionately
when I am found wanting.

O God, I am so frail:
my life spins like a top,
bounced about by the clumsy hands
of demands beyond my doing,
fanned by furies
at a pace but half a step from hysteria,
so much to do,
my days so few and fast-spent,
and I mostly unable to recall
what I am rushing after.


What can I believe,
except that beyond the limits
of my little prayers and careful creeds,
I am not meant for dust and darkness,
but for dancing life and silver starlight.


Help my unbelief that I may have courage
to dare to love the enemies
I have the integrity to make;
to care for little else
save my brothers and sisters of the human family;
to take time to be truly with them,
take time to see,
take time to speak,
take time to learn with them
before time takes us;
and to fear failure and death less
than the faithlessness
of not embracing love’s risks.


God, I am so frantic:
somehow I’ve lost my gentleness
in a flood of ambition,
lost my sense of wonder
in a maze of videos and computers,
lost my integrity
in a shuffle of commercial disguises,
lost my gratitude
in a swarm of criticisms and complaints,
lost my innocence
in a sea of betrayals and compromises.


What can I believe,
except that the touch of your mercy
will ease the anguish of my memory;
that the tug of your Spirit
will empower me to help carry now the burdens
I have loaded on the lives of others;
that the example of Jesus
will inspire me to find again my humanity.


So, I believe, Lord;
help my unbelief
that I may have courage
to cut free from what I have been
and gamble on what can be,
and on what you
might laughingly do
with trembling me
for your incredible world.

Friday, December 16, 2011

Ripping up the List



RIP IT UP!!!! GO AHEAD, THAT'S RIGHT RIP IT UP!!!

At this point you are probably asking "What in the world is she talking about? Rip what up?"

(((( The List))))

First, let me preface this by saying that this is geared toward single women, and yes I also am a single woman. I am 26 years old and have only been in one dating relationship in my life.

Now back to this list. As single women who have grown up in church most of us have heard this sentence at one time or another, "Make a list of all the traits you want in your spouse, give it to God, and he will give you the desires of your heart". At the age of 20 I did exactly that. Might I also note that this list consisted of 86 traits that I wanted in my spouse both non-physical and physical. Little did I know that I was setting myself up for failure, disappointment, and massive denial. No one told me that this man didn't actually exsist??? I mean come on!!!! What man could possibly live up to a list of 86 items, if I wanted that man I would have to marry Jesus Christ himself!!!

Now before you start thinking this is a blog about lowering your expectations, STOP RIGHT THERE :) In fact this blog is about quite the opposite. Having standards is important and vital, but it's absurd to make a list that no man can possibly live up to. Now matter how wonderful, amazing, and godly a man might be, he at some point is going to let you down and disappoint you. To put a man up to those standards is putting him on a pedestal and making him your little idol to worship. God gave men a new standard to follow:

"For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He
gave up his life for her" Ephesians 5:25

Ladies, do you understand what that means? You don't get much of a higher calling than that? And guess what God didn't need to give a list of 86 items. Besides loving Christ with his heart, soul, mind, and strength, this is the highest calling the man you marry will have. Think about how God treats you! Does he just sit on the sidelines watching tv, playing video games, playing golf with the buddies? NO! He pursues you! He sacrificed himself to the point of death for you! He loves on you! And there even times he digs to the very core of your soul and digs out the wounds, the hurts, the horrible stuff we don't even know is in us! He knows you in a way no other person possible can, and what's amazing is the worst things about you the "crap" you don't want anyone to know.... he knows that stuff and loves you anyway! The person you are in your worst moments is the person he died for because he loved you so much, and thought you were worth salvaging and restoring. He passionatly pursues you and wants all of you...

“Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.
There I will give her
back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will sing as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt"
- Hosea 2:14-15

Is the guy you are with or the guy you want to be with love God with all his heart? Honestly??? Does he? Does he pursue you???? In this culture we have gotten to a point where women chase and pursue men. Ladies, if you chase a man now, you will chase him the rest of your life!!! When you are dating that is when he is on his best behavior, that's when he is trying to impress you! To many girls are dating boys!!! In the words of one of my favorite pastors Mark Driscoll "Marriage is for MEN not for boys"... As women we have adopted this attitude of "He has a lot of potential, just no one understands him"... Ladies if you ever have to say that line you are dating a boy. Marriage is a very serious covenant. It is not to be entered into lightly. We get into relationships we should never be in because "We love him". Love isn't enough! Once that "romantic feeling" starts to fade you are going to find yourself in a world of hurt with a man that has no idea how to be a husband or love a woman let alone a child. Find a MAN that loves God with everything in him, has a job, doesn't spend all day playing world of warcraft, and is involved in his church and is pursuing other Godly men! Find a man that has a Holy Ambition and Passion and join him in that.

2 years ago I broke up with my boyfriend. I made a one year no dating covenant with God so that I could take some time to heal from the loss of this relationship. I rememeber crying out to God "I want that man that I can't live without, I want my soul mate, I want a love of my life".... One day while on a silence and solitude retreat and pouring my heart out to God I heard these words

"Heidi I am the love of your life"....

This changed the game for me. I realized that I needed to be ok with never having anything but God. Now I'm not saying that I don't want a husband! Far from it! I have a desire to be married and I know God put that desire in me. I realized that when God did bring me someone I would love them with everything in me, but first and foremost God was the love of my life and that I need to never put someone in that spot.

While in this no dating covenant a mentor of mine asked me "If you were a Godly man, would you marry you?... I had to stop and think about that. I had to ask myself some very serious questions... like the very traits that were on this "list" of things I wanted in a future husband. Was I displaying the very things I wanted in a spouse? It hit me that we as women spend so much time "looking for what we want in a husband" that we forgot to concentrate on gaining character and learning the lessons of what it would take to be a good wife. If it is my husbands job to love me as Christ love the church is it not also my job to him as Christ loved the church???

AT THAT MOMENT I RIPPED UP MY LIST!!!!!

I was no longer going to concentrate on what I wanted in a husband I was going to concentrate on what it was going to take to be a good wife so that when God finally brought me who I was to be with I would be a good "help mate". I needed to concetrate on my character, my attitude, my goals, seeking Godly women and asking them questions, observing the way they treated their husbandsm the way they raised their children!!! I listened to sermons, I read books, seeked out older Godly mentors, and seeked God about changing in me what needed changing.

Proverbs 31 Woman

" 10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. "

Ladies, you don't get to be like the proverbs 31 woman by sitting around waiting for your "prince charming to come". The scripture says "A wife of noble character who can find?" Character is KEY!!!! If you want to be a wife and a Godly woman? Seek God and ask him to give you character. In other words be a disciple. Seek God with everything in you, be a disciple, and seek to have a great character! Seek Godly women who can teach you how to be a wife and mother! BE WHAT YOU WANT TO MARRY! And realize to that what you think you need may not be what God thinks you need! By making a list you could be putting God in a box and because you are fixed on the 86 things you want in a man, you might actually miss the man God has for you.

This is what I prayed to God about a year ago:

"God I have no idea what I need all I ask is that you give me someone who loves you more than anything else, someone who will pursue me like Christ pursues the church, and someone who understands the "Father Heart of God" and will teach that to my children."


Have Standards! Don't pick a boy! Don't pick someone who is 3o yrs old, still lives at home with his mom cause he never grew up and can't keep a job, his mom still pays his bills and wipes his proverbial diaper! Pick a Godly man, who has a job, has grown up and moved out of his momma's house, is pursuing God and Godly men in the church. However, RIP UP THE LIST AND WORK ON YOU!!!! Trust that God will bring you the right one at the right time!!! The right guy at the wrong time is the wrong guy!!! Seek God! He will bring you what you need when you need it!!! Be a fierce, passionate, woman that seeks after God, the rest will follow :)

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Facing Your Demons


The past two weeks have been pretty life changing for me. I was was brought to the end of myself for the first time in a very long time. I don't remember the last time I felt so helpless, wounded, empty, and angry. God brought to the surface my 2 biggest "strongholds" in my life... Things that I have struggled with for years... Over the years I have learned to love the sanctification process, I have grown to love the heart work that God does. I had never been scared to face things God brought to me in the past until this.... The past two weeks have been some of the most gut-wrenching weeks of my life. I was laying in a fetal position crying to God and telling him I didn't think my heart could withstand what he wanted me to face... It was one of those what Pastor Michael calls "Atomic Moments" (Atomic Moments - "normally come through the dark matter, coming out of denial, struggles, trials, the dark places in life, the desert, depression, the dark night of the soul" - Michael Welchert). I didn't know if I was ready to "die" to these specific things because frankly it hurt so freaking bad... but I could feel myself entering into it (God wasn't gonna allow me to continue)... My soul felt just stripped of everything (the will to fight, spiritual gifts, anything that made me feel like me). But the freedom once God revealed my sin and I was able to repent was so amazing... There is no way for me to explain the amount of freedom I feel and the weight that has been lifted from me. These past two weeks felt like such a spiritual battle and I felt like I was fighting with everything in me. Just yesterday I was reflecting on what God had shown me, and for some reason this clip from Lord of The Rings came into my mind.... I was watching this clip and it hit me how much it paralleled with a spiritual battle on the inside. I was seeign myself in Gandalf after this amazing revelation and heart work from God. I was finally strong enough (only because of God) to stand up and say "You shall not Pass" or "You shall not have hold over me anymore".... I am done allowing Satan to have a foothold in these areas!!! But what's beautiful about this clip is that Gandalf goes off the edge of the clif with his sword (sword of the spririt) and he destroyed the demon. And everyone thinks he has died but then later on he comes back as Gandalf the White (he has been not only restored but has come back more powerful than before. The beauty of the sanctification process is that you get to a point when you die (die to self) and God restores us and we come back stronger than we were when we started.

I feel like this blog was a little all over the place but just wanted to share a little of my struggle and break through that I had recently!!!!