Hi my name is Heidi and I am a control freak,

3:00am on 6/30/13 and I am coming back to myself for the first time in what seems like forever. I am crying as I write this, I haven’t felt the Lord’s presence like this is months!!! I have missed him so much!!! I allowed my pride to overcome me, and have sacrificed my relationship with him because apparently I thought I could do a better job than he could (sarcasm). There is nothing like the presence of the Holy Spirit, oh how I’ve missed it.

The faithfulness of God still brings me to my knees. I have been a stubborn, mean spirited, prideful, arrogant little princess and he still loves me and pursues me. I feel so humbled and broken. But mostly I feel FREE… His love is the purest, kindest, and most honest thing I have ever experienced. Even in my most honest ugliest moments he pursues me. “Therefore, behold I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her” – Hosea 2:14

For years God has been healing wounds, changing my thinking, and removing sinful thinking, he has had me face fears, and be truly honest with myself. Spiritual Cardiology is one of the most honest and freeing yet painful things you can do because it requires you to see your true self. It is the most beautiful experiences because it shows you how God has been loving the real you. Not the dressed up you or the person you try to be, he loves the you that nobody sees that is infected and dying.

I have been in a relationship for 10 months now with an amazing man. Jeremy has embodied God’s patience and love toward me, and I have fought it the whole way. When we were first dating I don’t know how many times I said “Why don’t you just leave” and even since then there have been many times he has tried and tried to just love me and I have been mean in response and rejected him. I don’t know when it happened but I made up my mind I was going to be strong and didn’t realize it at the time but made up my mind I wasn’t going to be vulnerable. There are few men in my life that I have truly trusted and by golly I was going to make him prove it. The truth is deep down I was just a scared little girl afraid of trusting him because I was afraid he would leave, and if I put up my walls he couldn’t hurt me right? In the process of doing this I have hurt him and hurt myself many times. The real thoughts in my head were how could he love such an overweight girl? What if I’m myself and he leaves? The scariest thing is to show your real self, not the self you dress up for the public the REAL you.

While escaping Jeremy I also closed myself off to God in the process. I cut out my best friend??? Why? Out of guilt! I was behaving really ugly and I didn’t want to take down my walls. I was scared out of my mind I wasn’t about to make myself vulnerable. I feel so at peace now because I’ve been honest with myself and God for the first time in a long time. I am so thankful that God loves me for who I really am but doesn’t leave me that way!!!

Thankful this Sunday morning for a God who never gives up on me, an amazing boyfriend who loves me even in my ugliest moments, and for FREEDOM from sin. Ironic that July 4^th is coming up soon? I think not J

“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there if Freedom” – 2 Corinthians 3:17

Hi my name is Heidi and God saves me from my control freak ways :)

 

How God uses a Spiritual Father as a Tool for Healing

This blog is dedicated to a God that has never let me go and to the most amazing Spiritual Father a girl could have (Michael Welchert)

For the last 6 years God has been radically healing my heart. I was a complete emotional mess when I started on this amazing journey 6 years ago. When I was introduced to the father heart of God it completely changed my life. Never in my life had I experienced such compassion, love, faithfullness, and gentleness. If there is one thing I have learned to love about God is how gentle he is. He is tough when he needs to be but he knows just how to speak to my heart and love on me. He is truly the love of my life. I can't even put into to words the amazing way he has spoken to my heart and how patient he has been with me.

One of the greatest gifts my Lord has given me comes in the form of another person. Michael Welchert is one of greatest men I have ever known. He saw me at my rock bottom. When I first came to his office I was a pothetic mess. At that point I was planning my suicide and I hated life. Before I left his office the first time he had told he was proud of me and that as a father he loved me. Something about him was so genuine and i knew he meant it. The truth is that at that point there wasnt much there to love but he saw me for what I could be not for what i was.

I have always been that person that is classified as "needy". Until recently I realized I am not that person anymore. Years ago God convicted me of being what I call an "emotional whore". I would give my heart to anyone because I just wanted to be loved. The concept of "Guarding your Heart" was non-exsistant in my universe. It wasnt until this year that I saw a diffrence. God used Pastor Michael to heal a place in my heart that i never thought would be healed.  I always thought i would be emotionally needy. For the first time in 10 years or more I genuinely trusted a man again besides God. He became my spiritual daddy and God has used him to heal my heart in such a remarkable way. He is always there to encourage me, tell me he's proud of me, and call me a princess or tink (i can't tell you how important those nicknames are to me). God used him and continues to use him to build my self confidence.

Now instead of being ready and willing in a moments notice to give my heart away to just anybody. I have come to realize how important my heart is. how it belongs to God and how it is to be treasured. It's important to love everybody but you can't give your heart away to people like it's a piece of bread. For the first time in my life I feel comfortable to be myself and I feel my heart is valueable. God gave me the most amazing mentor and spiritual daddy in Pastor Michael. He calls me on my crap, loves me, encourages me, and for the first time in a decade Im not afraid of a man who means a lot to me abandoning me. For anyone who knows me this is so huge.

(Yoda, Pastor Micahel, Papa Welchert) - I will never be able to express the love I have for you in my heart. You are the greatest man I know and I love you so much!!! Thank You for taking a chance on me and for sticking by me. You have been God with skin on to me and that has healed me in ways I never thought possible. Thank You for being my mentor!!! I hope I always make you proud!!! The mark you have left upon my heart is one I will never forget!!! Thank You for being a guardian for all of us that were left behind!!! You are defiantly a fisher of hearts and souls of young people needing a spiritual father. You are my hero!!! Because of you I finally am able to live up to the meaning of my name "The Noble One"

I love you Yoda

- Tink :)

HOW SHALL I PRAY?

A Prayer by Ted Loder (Prayers for the Battle)

How shall I pray?
Are tears prayers, Lord?
Are screams prayers,
or groans
or sighs
or curses?
Can trembling hands be lifted to you,
or clenched fists
or the cold sweat that trickles down my back
or the cramps that knot my stomach?
Will you accept my prayers, Lord,
my real prayers,
rooted in the muck and the mud and the rock of my life,
and not just my pretty, cut-flower, gracefully arranged
bouquet of words?
Will you accept me, Lord,
as I really am,
messed up mixture of glory and grime?
Lord, help me!
Help me to trust that you do accept me as I am,
that I may be done with self-condemnation
and self-pity
and accept myself.
Help me to accept you as you are, Lord:
mysterious,
hidden,
strange,
unknowable;
and yet to trust
that your madness is wiser
than my timid, self-seeking sanities,
and that nothing you've ever done
has really been possible,
so I may dare to be a little mad, too. 

         

 Help Me to Believe in Beginnings  

by Ted Loder (Guerillas of Grace, Prayers for the Battle)

God of history and of my heart,
so much has happened to me during these whirlwind days:
I’ve known death and birth;
I’ve been brave and scared;
I’ve hurt, I’ve helped;
I’ve been honest, I’ve lied;
I’ve destroyed, I’ve created;
I’ve been with people, I’ve been lonely;
I’ve been loyal, I’ve betrayed;
I’ve decided, I’ve waffled;
I’ve laughed and I’ve cried. 

You know my frail heart and my frayed history -
and now another day begins.
O God, help me to believe in beginnings
and in my beginning again,
no matter how often I’ve failed before.

Help me to make beginnings:
to begin going out of my weary mind
into fresh dreams,
daring to make my own bold tracks
in the land of now;
to begin forgiving
that I may experience mercy;
to begin questioning the unquestionable
that I may know truth
to begin disciplining
that I may create beauty;
to begin sacrificing
that I may make peace;
to begin loving
that I may realize joy.
  

Help me to be a beginning to others,
to be a singer to the songless,
a storyteller to the aimless,
a befriender of the friendless;
to become a beginning of hope for the despairing,
of assurance for the doubting,
of reconciliation for the divided;
to become a beginning of freedom for the oppressed,
of comfort for the sorrowing,
of friendship for the forgotten;
to become a beginning of beauty for the forlorn,
of sweetness for the soured,
of gentleness for the angry,
of wholeness for the broken,
of peace for the frightened and violent of the earth 

 Help me to believe in beginnings,
to make a beginning,
to be a beginning,
so that I may not just grow old,
but grow new
each day of this wild, amazing life
you call me to live
with the passion of Jesus Christ.

What Can I Believe ( poem by Ted Loder)

This is a poem by Ted Loder in Guerrillas of Grace (Prayers for the Battle)

WHAT CAN I BELIEVE

O God, I am so fragile:
my dreams get broken,
my relationships get broken,
my heart gets broken,
my body gets broken.

What can I believe,
except that you will not despise a broken heart,
that old and broken people shall yet dream dreams,
and that the lame shall leap for joy,
the blind see,
the deaf hear.

What can I believe,
except what Jesus taught:
that only what is first broken, like bread,
can be shared;
that only what is broken,
is open to your entry;
that old wineskins must be ripped open and replaced
if the wine of new life is to expand.

So, I believe, Lord;
help my unbelief
that I may have courage to keep trying
when I am tired,
and to keep wanting passionately
when I am found wanting.

O God, I am so frail:
my life spins like a top,
bounced about by the clumsy hands
of demands beyond my doing,
fanned by furies
at a pace but half a step from hysteria,
so much to do,
my days so few and fast-spent,
and I mostly unable to recall
what I am rushing after.


What can I believe,
except that beyond the limits
of my little prayers and careful creeds,
I am not meant for dust and darkness,
but for dancing life and silver starlight.


Help my unbelief that I may have courage
to dare to love the enemies
I have the integrity to make;
to care for little else
save my brothers and sisters of the human family;
to take time to be truly with them,
take time to see,
take time to speak,
take time to learn with them
before time takes us;
and to fear failure and death less
than the faithlessness
of not embracing love’s risks.


God, I am so frantic:
somehow I’ve lost my gentleness
in a flood of ambition,
lost my sense of wonder
in a maze of videos and computers,
lost my integrity
in a shuffle of commercial disguises,
lost my gratitude
in a swarm of criticisms and complaints,
lost my innocence
in a sea of betrayals and compromises.


What can I believe,
except that the touch of your mercy
will ease the anguish of my memory;
that the tug of your Spirit
will empower me to help carry now the burdens
I have loaded on the lives of others;
that the example of Jesus
will inspire me to find again my humanity.


So, I believe, Lord;
help my unbelief
that I may have courage
to cut free from what I have been
and gamble on what can be,
and on what you
might laughingly do
with trembling me
for your incredible world.

Ripping up the List

RIP IT UP!!!! GO AHEAD, THAT'S RIGHT RIP IT UP!!!

At this point you are probably asking "What in the world is she talking about? Rip what up?"

(((( The List))))

First, let me preface this by saying that this is geared toward single women, and yes I also am a single woman. I am 26 years old and have only been in one dating relationship in my life.

Now back to this list. As single women who have grown up in church most of us have heard this sentence at one time or another, "Make a list of all the traits you want in your spouse, give it to God, and he will give you the desires of your heart". At the age of 20 I did exactly that. Might I also note that this list consisted of 86 traits that I wanted in my spouse both non-physical and physical. Little did I know that I was setting myself up for failure, disappointment, and massive denial. No one told me that this man didn't actually exsist??? I mean come on!!!! What man could possibly live up to a list of 86 items, if I wanted that man I would have to marry Jesus Christ himself!!!

Now before you start thinking this is a blog about lowering your expectations, STOP RIGHT THERE :) In fact this blog is about quite the opposite. Having standards is important and vital, but it's absurd to make a list that no man can possibly live up to. Now matter how wonderful, amazing, and godly a man might be, he at some point is going to let you down and disappoint you. To put a man up to those standards is putting him on a pedestal and making him your little idol to worship. God gave men a new standard to follow:

"For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He
gave up his life for her" Ephesians 5:25

Ladies, do you understand what that means? You don't get much of a higher calling than that? And guess what God didn't need to give a list of 86 items. Besides loving Christ with his heart, soul, mind, and strength, this is the highest calling the man you marry will have. Think about how God treats you! Does he just sit on the sidelines watching tv, playing video games, playing golf with the buddies? NO! He pursues you! He sacrificed himself to the point of death for you! He loves on you! And there even times he digs to the very core of your soul and digs out the wounds, the hurts, the horrible stuff we don't even know is in us! He knows you in a way no other person possible can, and what's amazing is the worst things about you the "crap" you don't want anyone to know.... he knows that stuff and loves you anyway! The person you are in your worst moments is the person he died for because he loved you so much, and thought you were worth salvaging and restoring. He passionatly pursues you and wants all of you...

“Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.
There I will give her
back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will sing as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt"
- Hosea 2:14-15

Is the guy you are with or the guy you want to be with love God with all his heart? Honestly??? Does he? Does he pursue you???? In this culture we have gotten to a point where women chase and pursue men. Ladies, if you chase a man now, you will chase him the rest of your life!!! When you are dating that is when he is on his best behavior, that's when he is trying to impress you! To many girls are dating boys!!! In the words of one of my favorite pastors Mark Driscoll "Marriage is for MEN not for boys"... As women we have adopted this attitude of "He has a lot of potential, just no one understands him"... Ladies if you ever have to say that line you are dating a boy. Marriage is a very serious covenant. It is not to be entered into lightly. We get into relationships we should never be in because "We love him". Love isn't enough! Once that "romantic feeling" starts to fade you are going to find yourself in a world of hurt with a man that has no idea how to be a husband or love a woman let alone a child. Find a MAN that loves God with everything in him, has a job, doesn't spend all day playing world of warcraft, and is involved in his church and is pursuing other Godly men! Find a man that has a Holy Ambition and Passion and join him in that.

2 years ago I broke up with my boyfriend. I made a one year no dating covenant with God so that I could take some time to heal from the loss of this relationship. I rememeber crying out to God "I want that man that I can't live without, I want my soul mate, I want a love of my life".... One day while on a silence and solitude retreat and pouring my heart out to God I heard these words

"Heidi I am the love of your life"....

This changed the game for me. I realized that I needed to be ok with never having anything but God. Now I'm not saying that I don't want a husband! Far from it! I have a desire to be married and I know God put that desire in me. I realized that when God did bring me someone I would love them with everything in me, but first and foremost God was the love of my life and that I need to never put someone in that spot.

While in this no dating covenant a mentor of mine asked me "If you were a Godly man, would you marry you?... I had to stop and think about that. I had to ask myself some very serious questions... like the very traits that were on this "list" of things I wanted in a future husband. Was I displaying the very things I wanted in a spouse? It hit me that we as women spend so much time "looking for what we want in a husband" that we forgot to concentrate on gaining character and learning the lessons of what it would take to be a good wife. If it is my husbands job to love me as Christ love the church is it not also my job to him as Christ loved the church???

AT THAT MOMENT I RIPPED UP MY LIST!!!!!

I was no longer going to concentrate on what I wanted in a husband I was going to concentrate on what it was going to take to be a good wife so that when God finally brought me who I was to be with I would be a good "help mate". I needed to concetrate on my character, my attitude, my goals, seeking Godly women and asking them questions, observing the way they treated their husbandsm the way they raised their children!!! I listened to sermons, I read books, seeked out older Godly mentors, and seeked God about changing in me what needed changing.

Proverbs 31 Woman

" 10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. "

Ladies, you don't get to be like the proverbs 31 woman by sitting around waiting for your "prince charming to come". The scripture says "A wife of noble character who can find?" Character is KEY!!!! If you want to be a wife and a Godly woman? Seek God and ask him to give you character. In other words be a disciple. Seek God with everything in you, be a disciple, and seek to have a great character! Seek Godly women who can teach you how to be a wife and mother! BE WHAT YOU WANT TO MARRY! And realize to that what you think you need may not be what God thinks you need! By making a list you could be putting God in a box and because you are fixed on the 86 things you want in a man, you might actually miss the man God has for you.

This is what I prayed to God about a year ago:

"God I have no idea what I need all I ask is that you give me someone who loves you more than anything else, someone who will pursue me like Christ pursues the church, and someone who understands the "Father Heart of God" and will teach that to my children."


Have Standards! Don't pick a boy! Don't pick someone who is 3o yrs old, still lives at home with his mom cause he never grew up and can't keep a job, his mom still pays his bills and wipes his proverbial diaper! Pick a Godly man, who has a job, has grown up and moved out of his momma's house, is pursuing God and Godly men in the church. However, RIP UP THE LIST AND WORK ON YOU!!!! Trust that God will bring you the right one at the right time!!! The right guy at the wrong time is the wrong guy!!! Seek God! He will bring you what you need when you need it!!! Be a fierce, passionate, woman that seeks after God, the rest will follow :)

Facing Your Demons

The past two weeks have been pretty life changing for me. I was was brought to the end of myself for the first time in a very long time. I don't remember the last time I felt so helpless, wounded, empty, and angry. God brought to the surface my 2 biggest "strongholds" in my life... Things that I have struggled with for years... Over the years I have learned to love the sanctification process, I have grown to love the heart work that God does. I had never been scared to face things God brought to me in the past until this.... The past two weeks have been some of the most gut-wrenching weeks of my life. I was laying in a fetal position crying to God and telling him I didn't think my heart could withstand what he wanted me to face... It was one of those what Pastor Michael calls "Atomic Moments" (Atomic Moments - "normally come through the dark matter, coming out of denial, struggles, trials, the dark places in life, the desert, depression, the dark night of the soul" - Michael Welchert). I didn't know if I was ready to "die" to these specific things because frankly it hurt so freaking bad... but I could feel myself entering into it (God wasn't gonna allow me to continue)... My soul felt just stripped of everything (the will to fight, spiritual gifts, anything that made me feel like me). But the freedom once God revealed my sin and I was able to repent was so amazing... There is no way for me to explain the amount of freedom I feel and the weight that has been lifted from me. These past two weeks felt like such a spiritual battle and I felt like I was fighting with everything in me. Just yesterday I was reflecting on what God had shown me, and for some reason this clip from Lord of The Rings came into my mind.... I was watching this clip and it hit me how much it paralleled with a spiritual battle on the inside. I was seeign myself in Gandalf after this amazing revelation and heart work from God. I was finally strong enough (only because of God) to stand up and say "You shall not Pass" or "You shall not have hold over me anymore".... I am done allowing Satan to have a foothold in these areas!!! But what's beautiful about this clip is that Gandalf goes off the edge of the clif with his sword (sword of the spririt) and he destroyed the demon. And everyone thinks he has died but then later on he comes back as Gandalf the White (he has been not only restored but has come back more powerful than before. The beauty of the sanctification process is that you get to a point when you die (die to self) and God restores us and we come back stronger than we were when we started.

I feel like this blog was a little all over the place but just wanted to share a little of my struggle and break through that I had recently!!!!

Beauty in the Mist of Rubble

There are no words to describe the devastation that has happened to Joplin. When I saw what they call "Ground Zero" I was absolutly speechless. It was the most unreal sight I had ever seen. Everything was destroyed!



But even in the midst of rubble came some bits of beauty. While working out in the field, a little girl of about 8 had come out with her mother (a lady in our group) to help pick up rubble! I remember tearing up a little and thinking "Even at a young age is learning to be the hands and feet of Jesus, in the midst of a National Disaster this little girl is making a diffrence"...... I remember seeing American Flags waving from what was left of buildings that were destroyed!!!! The "American Spirit" was so strong!!! People came from all over to volunteer, as my friend Bruce said "We are Americans and this is how we do things".......Churches from all over were helping victims find things in the rubble, cut down trees and hauled them to the road, ministered to the victims with a simple act of kindness, hand shake, hug, prayer, or just an ear to listen!!!! I saw so many people being the Hands and Feet of Jesus and it was BEAUTIFUL!!!!.... I saw many many people riding around in trucks or on 4-wheelers driving around the neighborhoods giving out food and water to volunteers in the field and encouraging them!!!! There has been such an outpouring of donations that the Redcross and the Churches that are being used for distribution centers are actually asking that people stop sending things!!!! How amazing is that!!!! How amazing that there was such an outpouring of love for the people of Joplin that they can no longer keep everything that is coming in!!!!! The Love and Generosity that has been shown was so humbling and beautiful to see!!!



"You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust.... You make beautiful things out of us" - Gungor



I didn't want to write to much, just wanted to share a piece of my heart, and share a little bit of the beauty I saw amongst the rubble.

Am I brave enough to be myself

In some ways I don't know what all it entails to be me. I am constantly changing and discovering new things about myself and becoming a new person. Sometimes I wonder if I am brave enough to be myself. For the most part I am pretty much an open book. I don't hide things, and lead an open life. As my journey with Christ has deepened I have become more comfortable in my own skin, because I have finally started to figure out a little bit of who I really am. But, there are many things I remain insecure about. I'm a loud person and I always have been.....Most of the time I have no idea I am being so but people constantly remind me (for the most part it doesnt seem to bother people)...but I'm not gonna lie it'a embarresing to be known as "the loud one". I think because society seems to put this stigma on ladies, that they need to be quiet and soft spoken. I also tend to be the tom boy.....I am most comfortable in a pair of jeans and a hoodie... Recently I have begun to start dressign I guess what you would call "girly"...but I find myself feeling out of place. Sometimes I wonder am I really a tom boy? or do I like to dress that way because that's how I have always dressed? Am I now dressing girly because I feel like I have to? because thats whats proper for girls to do? Or am i just not comfortable with it yet? Sorry I feel liek I am going in circles here. Highschool was such an awkward time for me....I was in a really bad place in my life, suicidal, depressed etc..... I dressed in camo pants and t-shirts, or just jeans and t-shirts (yes feel free to make fun).... Although I am a far cry from that now sometimes I still feel like that awkward girl. As much as I grow sometimes it's hard to figure out who I am? I sometimes still feel very awkward....Im loud, outgoing, and full of opinions!!!! I'm not soft spoken, graceful, or girly. Sometimes I can't figure out if that's just me and if it's ok?

Sometimes it's hard to figure out who I really am? And what the expectations are that i should be? And if I figure it out would I have the courage to be myself or would I constantly be trying to change to fit what society thinks I should be like? Not in major ways just in stupid ways like dress etc????? Anyway those are just some things that have been on my mind. Am I brave enough to be myself? And frankly what is that? In small areas like this I still don't know!

Will You Go Away As Well?????

In the recent years I have been obsessed with the account in the bible where Jesus went from 5,000 disciples to 12....He asks the question "Will you go away as well" speaking to the twelve. Peter says something that has always gave me goose bumps. He says "Where else are we to go Lord, you have the words of eternal life. We have believed and come to know that you are the holy one of God".



As disciples of Christ (note I said disciples not christians) I think it is imporant to ask ourselves some hard questions...Being a disciple of Christ is not easy and if someone ever told you that they have no idea what they are talking about, and probably arent one. You worship someone who was beaten, persecuted, ridiculed, and murdered. If you don't want to experience suffering then don't sign up to be a disciple of Jesus! To many times in our society people (especially christians) when something bad happens we ask the questions "Where was God?"..."God why didn't you stop it?" or "God why did you let this happen?". I used to be one of those people...I would blame God when something went wrong. But, about 8 months ago I had to ask myself some hard questions. "Why do I really follow God?" "If God never answered another prayer would I still follow him?" "If God never gave me the desires of my heart would I still worship and follow him?"....these questions rocked my world because it made me face the reality of why I choose to be a follower of Christ. Did I really expect to never go through hard times? Have bad things happen?



I've been a christian since I was 7, but it wasnt until 4 yrs ago in November that I encountered God in a way that would change my life forever. When I look back the past 4 yrs and see what God brought me out of and see how God saved me from myself and my situations

I am so unbelievably humbled!!! All I can do is fall at the feet of Jesus and Thank him for his imaginable Grace on a sinner like me. And I asked myself "Heidi if God never answered another prayer would you leave?" and I remember falling to my knees crying and having the same words as Peter, I can imagine now how he felt...I remember telling God "Where am I gonna go???....Look what you brought me out of!!!! It was in that moment I knew that I truly loved God!!! I will never be able to thank him enough for how he has saved me (mostly from myself)...that God would lower himself not only just to save me from Hell (A physical place) but he loves me enough to save me from my personal Hells inside!!!!!



I think we have stopped asking ourselves these hard questions....as American's we avoid any type of grief, hurt, or sorrows. We cringe at any form of discomfort. As disciples of Christ I think it is pertinant to ask ourselves these questions...being a disciple is not something to be taken lightly!!! We have choosen to follow someone who lived a life of suffering.



As Pastor Mark Driscoll says "You worship someone who was murdered lean over the plate and take one for the team"



I think in order to be able to say "God where else can I go" you need to have a healthy view of your depth of your sin and what God has brought you out of....I think we would be less likely to question God and complain about suffering. Let me just state that I preaching to myself here!!! There are still many times that I complain about stupid things and I question God and I have to remind myself who it is I worship!!!!

Dont waste your life

Tonight there was a memorial service held at my church for a beautiful, kind, amazing woman of God.....it was evident by the amount of people that came that she touched many lives and left a beautiful legacy...

Death always brings a sober hit...that we shouldn't take life for grantide...that we shouldn't even take for grantide that you will alive in the next 10 min. Not all of us will live till we are old. Some of us may die young, we don't know when. As I lay here pondering this, it is even more real to me that it is possible to waste your life...Oh how I hope I don't waste my life!!! Times like tonight humble me to the bottom of my soul. I am so utterly aware of how wicked I am....wicked but so so extremely loved by my savior who lowered himself to have Grace on me!!!! I hope that I never take that for grantide... Oh how I hope God will help me take advantage of every situation he puts in front of me.. That I would not waste one hurt, wound, or situation were I have hurt or wounded someone. That I would take every day and try and love the people around me and try to show them Christ!!!

I hope to God I don't stand in front of Christ and have to say I wasted my life!!!

Trusting his Heart

Tonight my heart is raw, open, the layers of fakery stripped away
Tonight it's just you and me
My tears fall as I sit on my lap top writing this
my false self is slowing dying away
I can no longer hide behind the streams of positive words and fake hopeful declarations I use as a wall to disquise my real heart
My real heart which screams out did I do something wrong? Have I failed you?
But wait even that's not the heart of it, that's not the real fear
I can feel the real questions surfacing
Am I a bad Daughter? Are you dissapointed in me?

How long till I am ready
When is my time?

I walk around, my heart hurting, in pain
You told me to let this vision die, but I don't know how
My heart fails me!
I try and stay strong, but I don't have the strength
I fear the frailty of my heart at times!
I fear to let go, even though it has already died

My heart is going against everything I know is true
That you love me!
You are my Father therefore you will take care of me
You don't just love me, you know me! In the most intimate way possible
You love my soul!
and even though I know this, my heart screams "It's never going to happen for you"
The battle wages between my heart and my mind!

I will not give in
The only thing left to do is trust in you
Your heart
I know your heart!
Your Father's heart is what I have staked my life on
I don't know your plan, but I know you
and in that I will Trust!!!!

Exposure of my False Self: Letter to God

You broke down my wall...you exposed my false self...you even used someone else to prove that i am loved for who I am right now...so now I have no excuse...you have opened the wound...there is no way to try and hide this even from myself...you exposed in me what I didn't even know exsisted...only you could love me this much... you enter the depths of my soul...parts of myself that have never seen light...you break down the shelves of ornaments I have made to myself...you tear down the shrines I have made to those things in my life that keep me in my place of my comfort zone...but you won't have it...you love me far to much...only you can love me by wounding me in the place of my deepest wounds and secrets...you are the lover of my soul...you love me in ways no human being ever could...your love is far beyond anything I have ever known or experienced...you pursue me relentlessly but with a gentleness that is beyond comprehension...you push past my fakery, my hypocracy, and my lies...you have exposed me, therefore you have loved me

Hurts Twice as Much

I have always been known as an open person....I find it fairly easy to be honest and open with people about my feelings (hence the reason I like to blog).....and since I am blunt (with tact of course) I usually don't mind sharing my feelings and experiences with people.....I'm not a very private person!!! I don't have anything to hide so I share a lot of what is going on in my life!! God has done so much healing in my life I like to share it with other's!!!

Relationships with people have usually come very easy to me as well... I am outgoing and don't really know a stranger....I'm the person that will go introduce myself to a perfect stranger. I love people....And I have always given people a 100% chance when I meet them! No matter how many times I have been hurt in the past! I tend not to hold grudges....I don't know how smart the whole 100% trust thing is but that's who I am.... I try not to compare people...but with this can come a lot of hurt....I don't guard my heart. I give myself to people 200%...when I love someone I love them! I love hard! And I tend to love people very easily!

One thing I have come to discover is that because of my past with my dad....my relationships with males are extra sensitive! If I get hurt it hurts twice as bad! I am more likely to feel rejected or abandoned twice as fast! I always fear the men in my life (friends, God father, etc) will wake up one day and say "Your not worth it" and leave!!! I know in my head it won't happen but deep down in my heart of hearts it's always a fear! I never feel God will leave me just people! I kinda feel like I am drifting and getting off the point so let me real it back in! Back in February my Ex and I ended our relationship.....and for 6 months after I couldn't move on! And through a weird circumstance we started talking again about 3 weeks ago and come to find out he still loved me! We decided we wanted to pray about getting back together and whether it was the right thing...was it what God had for us....anyway I'm not going to go into details but we decided that getting back together was not the best thing and that even though we loved each other there were to many issues that were still getting in the way! We ended things on great terms, told each other we loved each other and that was it! It was done! I didn't think it was possible but my heart worse the 2nd time around! Some good stuff came out of it...I got closure and God revealed some awesome stuff to me through him! He was a great guy and I won't ever regret it.....but for the first time I am truly scared to ever do this again! He was my first love and so I know that might be part of it but I also know myself and know that I gave my heart away to quickly! And even though it was a good experience and learned a lot....it hurt and still does so much! I never knew it could feel that bad! It felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest! And for the first time I am scared to open my heart up again! I don't want to be that person but I also don't want to be that peron who always gives her heart away to where there is nothing left or only pieces left! I'm scared to give my heart away again! I know it's natural to be scared that you are gonna get hurt but that's not normally who I am so this is fairly new to me! I always seem to go to an extreme....I just want to be balanced...not to guarded but not to where I am frivelous with my heart!

Just needed to get that out!

Love you all :)

Facing the Wound

There are times I feel like my heart is screaming and I wonder if anyone can hear it???

Thoreau said: "The masses of humanity live lives of quiet desperation".

Many people walk around in a constant state of pain...not physically but emotionally! They are torn up inside...their heart is screaming, pleading for someone to listen, who will care. I meet people so wounded inside it's a wonder they function on a daily basis. I was once once one of these people. I struggledwith suicide, depression, and panic attacks. I wasn't living I was just functioning...I lived my life like a robot! It just came apart of life I didn't know any other way. It just became something I lived with and figured there was no way out. My Pastor once told me and I thought it was awsome, he said "People learn to normalize pain"...how true is that? How many times do we not face our real pain? We don't go to the root of our problem!!! We don't face the wound or pain (either inflicted by ourselves or others) we just shove it and stuff it!!! We walk around with this crap inside for years!!! It festers and the infection of it grows over the years and we don't even recognize it!!! We just keep stuffing the pain and never face it! As a culture we are afraid of pain or discomfort!!! We do anything to avoid it... we cover it up with distractions (tv, computer, x-box, phone, etc)

We go to a doctor when we are sick but never go to the one who can really heal us on the inside when we are dying on the inside..

"There are more people walking around the communities of America that are more wounded on the inside than they are on the outside" - Pastor Michael

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because I am marked out by him to give good news to the poor, he has sent me to make well those who are broken hearted; to say that the prisoners will be let go, and the blind will see, and to make the wounded free from their chains" - Luke 4:18

I think a lot of our problem is not that we feel the pain but that we don't face it! We are to scared to face the wound, to face our true selves! It's scary to face it but it is necssary!

"What was laid down in pain can only be accessed in pain" - Pastor Michael
"God opens the wound he doesn't put a band-aid on it" - Pastor Michael

But I also think there is another level...there are people who face "Their demons"...allow God in to heal those areas. We go through desert seasons where it feels like God just isnt there! Horrible things happen....people we love get sick, sometimes there is a death, sometimes we are so lonely we can't stand it....and we wonder where is God? Has he abandoned us? Is he who he really said he is?

It's during these times that God builds the most character in us, this is where our Faith is increased, this is the place where we find what we are made of, it's in the desert season you find out whether you were following God cause you love him or are you following him because of what he gives you? It's in this place the disciple inside of you is born and cultivated! What Iv'e noticed (not just speaking to other's I'm talking to myself here) is that we can tend to throw pity parties for ourselves...There is a proper time for grieving...whether if there is a lost of a loved one or a relationship (talking to myself since I just ended one that meant a lot to me) but then there is time to get up and move on...we can't live in the same place forever...it is so easy to get consumed with our own problems and feelings we almost become narcissist's...we can't see past ourselves.

"There is a time to grieve and then there's a time to quit nursing your wounds" - Joyce Meyers

"Quit feeling sorry for yourself and serve somebody, somewhere somebody is hurting worse than you"- Joyce Meyers

When I heard her say that I was floored!!! I nurse my wounds all the time, I sit around crying feeling sorry for myself...and I have been doing that a lot since my recent relationship ended....I'm thinking it's time for me to quit nursing the pain, get up and go do something for someone else!!!

Love you all!!! Be blessed

Michael Welchert (aka Yoda): Favorite Quotes (here's to you) :)

"The day after the battle is more important than the day before"


"Never let your personality take you where your character can't keep you"


"You are a disciple, you follow God not other people"


"God wants someone in this hour that is whole, sound, complete, who is not shaken not stirred, full of moral integrity, who has the guts and the backbone and has ripped the yellow out of their belly"


"God never wastes a hurt"


"Have you ever tried to cast something out of you and found that it was God?"


"Sometimes in the waves of change you find your true direction"


"The Art of the heart is to hear with the Ear what the Spirit is speaking"


"Our worst sins arise as our response to our innate fear that we are nothing"


"The deepest cry of the human heart is to know God as Father"


"Pride is the house we build in order to hide when we are breaking down inside"


"You can never truly humiliate a truly humble person"


"Don't perpetuate an idea about yourself that doesn't contain the whole truth about yourself"


"I feel lost without hope I feel desperate without vision"


"Those who judge don't know and those who know don't judge"


"People learn to normalize pain"


"Your success will be equal to your ability to confront your pain"


"The lessons that have been laid down in pain can only be accessed in pain"


"God opens the wound he doesn't put a band-aid on it"


"I didn't put on Christ to sit the bench"


"To encourage is to put courage into someone"


"Encouraging could break the back of the devil on someone's life"


"Pain is your ally, it will tell you when you are seriously injured, it will keep you awake and angry, and remind you to finish the job and get the hell home. But you know the best thing about pain? It lets you know you are not dead yet!"


"You don't have to be a statistic you can be a standard bearer"


"Rejection also refers to the residue within our personality of being deeply wounded"


"Life is not about what you do but about what you are becoming"


"The attack and wound was deliberate because Satan was threatened by what God put in you"


"The very place that should be your weakest becomes the place of your strength and your destiny"


"Everyone wants to blame the devil but you will never grow until you take responsibility for your own actions"

"Courage is not the absence of fear but the conquering of it"


"Short memory accounts for small faith"


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option"


"You are only as sick as your secrets"

The Real Fear

I don't fear being abandoned by God...I know him to well and trust him to much for that....I've had the revelation of how much he loves me.....It's everyone else I always fear are going to leave and say "Your not worth it...

This I have discovered is the root of my fear!!! Not merely just people pleasing... I truly to the bottom of my soul fear that I will be abandoned!!! I have found this fear is deeply seeded with men!!! No matter what the relationship (father, brother, friend, boy friend)...As much as I thought that my statement above was true and valid I am realizing it is full of errors and contridictions!!! It is true that I have a close relationship with God, and I trust him above anyone!!! He has proven his love to me over and over and I know he will always be there!!! The core of my identity in Christ has been and will always be that I am a Daughter of God!!!! I am his daughter!!! What tranformed me was the revelation that no matter how screwed up I am, the real me, is loved by God!!! He is the Lover of my soul no matter how sinful and flawed I am he still loves me!!! But my struggle has come with believing that other's can love me and accept the real me! I always worry if I am making people upset!!! I walk on egg shells and don't realize it most of the time!!! I try and anticipate whether people will be angry before it ever happens!!! I avoid it at all costs!! Even my best friend who i know loves me! I wonder if I make a mistake will she want out of the friendship? So now I look and wonder...Do I consider myself of so little worth? In one sentence I am speaking of how God is so great and how he loves me but the next insult him by acting as if what he made (me or others) arent worth loving (in essence what he made was crap!)...what an insult to him! He said that what he made was good!!! So why do I believe that God can love me but not others? There is no evidence that this will even happen! It's all in my mind.... Mark Driscoll said this:

"Something doesnt have to be true to be devastating it just has to be believed"

So is the real root fear of abandonment? or something else deeper than that?

just some contemplations!!!!

Mark Driscoll: Favorite Quotes

You worship someone who was murdered. Lean over the plate, take one for the team."

“Don’t search for God’s will, instead search for God, and he will plant a desire in you! For if you delight in God his will becomes your will”

“Something doesn’t have to be true to be devastating, it just needs to be believed”

“You have more things you can do than things you should do”

“If Satan can’t get you to sin he will keep you busy neglecting God”

“People who don’t have a sense of call exchange fruitfullness for bussiness”

“Pursue your call not your potential”

“If you’ll be honest with yourself, it doesn’t matter what your theology is or how much you love God, at some point your not going to be happy with him because he doesn’t do what he is told and he never calls for help”

“Sometimes the fig leaf we hide behind is verses out of context”

“People who have fear of man issues appear humble but the truth is that they are easily pushed around”

“Anxiety is not to be managed it is a sin that needs to be repented of”

“Religion is the enemy of the gospel that is most common among people that are religious in Nature”

“Idols tend to be good things that you have turned into god things, which therefore become bad things”

“Sometimes the worst thing is to get your idol because then the pressure is on to keep it”

“Train the called don’t call the trained”

- Random guy: “But she’s hot”
- Driscoll: “Ya well so is Hell you gotta get beyond that”

“Our God is a little offensive! Most of the people who REALLY liked Him got killed!”

“You wanna be counter-culture? You wanna be a total rebel? Get a job! You wanna be counter-culture, totally alternative, radical? Be a virgin until you get married…to a person of the opposite gender. And then stay married and pump out some kids and pay your taxes and read the Bible, you freak. You’ll be just totally a rebel.”

Ravi Zacharias: Favorite Quotes

"The loneliest moment in life is when you have just experienced that which you thought would deliver the ultimate, and it has just let you down."



"A man rejects God neither because of intellectual demands nor because of the scarcity of evidence. A man rejects God because of a moral resistance that refuses to admit his need for God."



"God kept them in the wilderness so they could see the weakness and frailty of their own hearts"



"Sometimes at the most painful time in life we want to break that moment of pain for the individual when it's the very point at which God wanted to bring them"



"If you don't learn humility, he will break you"



"Love is not just an emotional feeling. Love will never be pure till Love comes with the will to be committed as well, not just the emotion of feeling"





"We have a right to believe whatever we want, but not everything we believe is right."



"Yes, if truth is not undergirded by love, it makes the possessor of that truth obnoxious and the truth repulsive."



"These days its not just that the line between right and wrong has been made unclear, today Christians are being asked by our culture today to erase the lines and move the fences, and if that were not bad enough, we are being asked to join in the celebration cry by those who have thrown off the restraints religion had imposed upon them. It is not just that they ask we accept, but they now demand of us to celebrate it too."



"I thank the Lord that, even though things were so wrong in my life here, I finally was brought to the realization of what all those struggles were about. There are some wonderful things from your painful past, things with a beauty you may not have realized at the time."— (Walking from East to West: God in the Shadows)



"Love is a commitment that will be tested in the most vulnerable areas of spirituality, a commitment that will force you to make some very difficult choices. It is a commitment that demands that you deal with your lust, your greed, your pride, your power, your desire to control, your temper, your patience, and every area of temptation that the Bible clearly talks about. It demands the quality of commitment that Jesus demonstrates in His relationship to us."— (I, Isaac, Take Thee, Rebekah: Moving from Romance to Lasting Love)



"Without the will, marriage is a mockery; without emotion, it is a drudgery. You need both, If your will is not committed to that person you have made a mockery of them"



"The most powerful weapon on earth is not the bomb, the most powerful weapon on earth is the truth"



"Love is a command, not just a feeling. Somehow, in the romantic world of music and theater we have made love to be what it is not. We have so mixed it with beauty and charm and sensuality and contact that we have robbed it of its higher call of cherishing and nurturing."



"Beginning well is a momentary thing; finishing well is a lifelong thing"

"God is the shaper of your heart. God does not display his work in abstract terms. He prefers the concrete, and this means that at the end of your life one of three things will happen to your heart: it will grow hard, it will be broken, or it will be tender. Nobody escapes"



"The day that each person willingly accepts himself or herself for who he or she is and acknowledges the uniqueness of God's framing process marks the beginning of a journey to seeing the handiwork of God in each life"



"God makes appointments with us in our disappointments. To see the pattern we must take three steps involving the heart, the mind, and the cross"



"For the Christian, worship is co-extensive with life. Life is already an expression of worship"

John Piper: Favorite Quotes

"He will go in, he will not stay on the outside. He will not have externalism. He will push through your fakery, your posing, your hypocracy, he will push in until he touches every single raw secret nerve of your life, he knows you! - John Piper


"When I am revealed and my heart is laid bare...my heart is being exposed to myself and to God so that I might know him better....even self knowledge is about God knowledge, even the exposure of ourselves is about the exposure of Christ to ourselves because if we don't know the depth of our own hardness we won't know how we are excluding him from there" - John Piper


"God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him"— John Piper


"If you don't feel strong desires for the manifestation of the glory of God, it is not because you have drunk deeply and are satisfied. It is because you have nibbled so long at the table of the world. Your soul is stuffed with small things, and there is no room for the great."— John Piper (A Hunger for God)


"Do you feel loved by God because you believe he makes much of you, or because you believe he frees you and empowers you to enjoy making much of him?"— John Piper


"Christ did not die to forgive sinners who go on treasuring anything above seeing and savoring God. And people who would be happy in heaven if Christ were not there, will not be there. The gospel is not a way to get people to heaven; it is a way to get people to God. It's a way of overcoming every obstacle to everlasting joy in God. If we don't want God above all things, we have not been converted by the gospel."— John Piper (God Is the Gospel: Meditations on God's Love as the Gift of Himself)


"It is better to lose your life than to waste it."— John Piper


"Missions is not the ultimate goal of the church. Worship is. Missions exists because worship doesn't."— John Piper


"The strength of patience hangs on our capacity to believe that God is up to something good for us in all our delays and detours."— John Piper (Battling Unbelief: Defeating Sin with Superior Pleasure)


"The greatest enemy of hunger for God is not poison but apple pie.It is not the banquet of the wicked that dulls our appetite forheaven, but endless nibbling at the table of the world. It is notthe X-rated video, but the prime-time dribble of triviality wedrink in every night."— John Piper (A Hunger for God: Desiring God through Fasting and Prayer)


"Suffering in the path of Christian obedience, with joy - because the steadfast love of the Lord is better than life (Psalm 63:3) - is the clearest display of the worth of God in our lives. Therefore, faith-filled suffering is essential in this world for the most intense, authentic worship. When we are most satisfied with God in suffering, he will be most glorified in us in worship. Our problem is not styles of music. Our problem is styles of life. When we embrace more affliction for the worth of Christ, there will be more fruit in the worship of Christ.— John Piper (Tested by Fire


"The critical question for our generation—and for every generation—is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all thefriends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, andall the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beautiesyou ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and nohuman conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied withheaven, if Christ were not there? "— John Piper (God Is the Gospel: Meditations on God's Love as the Gift of Himself


"The key to Christian living is a thirst and hunger for God. And one of the main reasons people do not understand or experience the sovereignty of grace and the way it works through the awakening of sovereign joy is that their hunger and thirst for God is so small."— John Piper


"It is about the greatness of God, not the significance of man. God made man small and the universe big to say something about himself."— John Piper (Don't Waste Your Life)


"The answer, The answer, my friend, is not yours to invent or create. It will be decided for you. It is outside you. It is real and objective and firm. One day you will hear it. You don't create it. You don't define it. It comes to you, and sooner or later you conform to it—or bow to it."— John Piper (Don't Waste Your Life)


"Life is not a straight line leading from one blessing to the next and then finally to heaven. Life is a winding and troubled road. Switchback after switchback. And the point of biblical stories like Joseph and Job and Esther and Ruth is to help us feel in our bones (not just know in our heads) that God is for us in all these strange turns. God is not just showing up after the trouble and cleaning it up. He is plotting the course and managing the troubles with far-reaching purposes for our good and for the glory of Jesus Christ."— John Piper (A Sweet and Bitter Providence: Sex, Race, and the Sovereignty of God)


He is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him."— John Piper (Don't Waste Your Life)


"Desire that your life count for something great! Long for your life to have eternal significance. Want this! Don't coast through life without a passion."— John Piper (Don't Waste Your Life)


"Woe to us if we get our satisfaction from the food in the kitchen and the TV in the den and the sex in the bedroom with an occasional tribute to the cement blocks in the basement! God wills to be displayed and known and loved and cherished and worshiped."— John Piper


"We are more than a collection of appetites - we are of God."— John Piper (A Sweet and Bitter Providence: Sex, Race, and the Sovereignty of God


"There is a warning. The path of God-exalting joy will cost you your life. Jesus said, "Whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it." In other words, it is better to lose your life than to waste it. If you live gladly to make others glad inGod, your life will be hard, your risks will be high, and your joy will be full. This is not a book about how to avoid a wounded life, but how to avoid a wasted life. Some of you will die in the service of Christ. That will not be a tragedy. Treasuring life above Christ is a tragedy."— John Piper


"My joy grows with every soul that seeks the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. Remember, you have one life. That's all. You were made forGod. Don't waste it."— John Piper (Don't Waste Your Life)


"Don't be surprised. There is nothing new under the sun. Only endless repackagings"— John Piper (Don't Waste Your Life


"We weren't meant to be somebody--we were meant to know Somebody"— John Piper


"Do you love the cross because it makes much of you? Or do you love it because it enables you to enjoy and eternity of making much of God?"— John Piper



"You get one pass at life. That's all. Only one. And the lasting measure of that life is Jesus Christ."— John Piper (Don't Waste Your Life)