Hi my name is Heidi and I am a control freak,
3:00am on 6/30/13 and I am coming back to myself for the
first time in what seems like forever. I am crying as I write this, I haven’t
felt the Lord’s presence like this is months!!! I have missed him so much!!! I
allowed my pride to overcome me, and have sacrificed my relationship with him
because apparently I thought I could do a better job than he could (sarcasm).
There is nothing like the presence of the Holy Spirit, oh how I’ve missed it.
The faithfulness of God still brings me to my knees. I have
been a stubborn, mean spirited, prideful, arrogant little princess and he still
loves me and pursues me. I feel so humbled and broken. But mostly I feel FREE…
His love is the purest, kindest, and most honest thing I have ever experienced.
Even in my most honest ugliest moments he pursues me. “Therefore, behold I will
allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her” –
Hosea 2:14
For years God has been healing wounds, changing my thinking,
and removing sinful thinking, he has had me face fears, and be truly honest
with myself. Spiritual Cardiology is one of the most honest and freeing yet
painful things you can do because it requires you to see your true self. It is
the most beautiful experiences because it shows you how God has been loving the
real you. Not the dressed up you or the person you try to be, he loves the you
that nobody sees that is infected and dying.
I have been in a relationship for 10 months now with an
amazing man. Jeremy has embodied God’s patience and love toward me, and I have
fought it the whole way. When we were first dating I don’t know how many times
I said “Why don’t you just leave” and even since then there have been many
times he has tried and tried to just love me and I have been mean in response
and rejected him. I don’t know when it happened but I made up my mind I was
going to be strong and didn’t realize it at the time but made up my mind I
wasn’t going to be vulnerable. There are few men in my life that I have truly
trusted and by golly I was going to make him prove it. The truth is deep down I
was just a scared little girl afraid of trusting him because I was afraid he
would leave, and if I put up my walls he couldn’t hurt me right? In the process
of doing this I have hurt him and hurt myself many times. The real thoughts in
my head were how could he love such an overweight girl? What if I’m myself and
he leaves? The scariest thing is to show your real self, not the self you dress
up for the public the REAL you.
While escaping Jeremy I also closed myself off to God in the
process. I cut out my best friend??? Why? Out of guilt! I was behaving really ugly
and I didn’t want to take down my walls. I was scared out of my mind I wasn’t
about to make myself vulnerable. I feel so at peace now because I’ve been
honest with myself and God for the first time in a long time. I am so thankful
that God loves me for who I really am but doesn’t leave me that way!!!
Thankful this Sunday morning for a God who never gives up on
me, an amazing boyfriend who loves me even in my ugliest moments, and for
FREEDOM from sin. Ironic that July 4th is coming up soon? I think
not J
“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the
Lord is, there if Freedom” – 2 Corinthians 3:17
Hi my name is Heidi and God saves me from my control freak
ways :)
