The past two weeks have been pretty life changing for me. I was was brought to the end of myself for the first time in a very long time. I don't remember the last time I felt so helpless, wounded, empty, and angry. God brought to the surface my 2 biggest "strongholds" in my life... Things that I have struggled with for years... Over the years I have learned to love the sanctification process, I have grown to love the heart work that God does. I had never been scared to face things God brought to me in the past until this.... The past two weeks have been some of the most gut-wrenching weeks of my life. I was laying in a fetal position crying to God and telling him I didn't think my heart could withstand what he wanted me to face... It was one of those what Pastor Michael calls "Atomic Moments" (Atomic Moments - "normally come through the dark matter, coming out of denial, struggles, trials, the dark places in life, the desert, depression, the dark night of the soul" - Michael Welchert). I didn't know if I was ready to "die" to these specific things because frankly it hurt so freaking bad... but I could feel myself entering into it (God wasn't gonna allow me to continue)... My soul felt just stripped of everything (the will to fight, spiritual gifts, anything that made me feel like me). But the freedom once God revealed my sin and I was able to repent was so amazing... There is no way for me to explain the amount of freedom I feel and the weight that has been lifted from me. These past two weeks felt like such a spiritual battle and I felt like I was fighting with everything in me. Just yesterday I was reflecting on what God had shown me, and for some reason this clip from Lord of The Rings came into my mind.... I was watching this clip and it hit me how much it paralleled with a spiritual battle on the inside. I was seeign myself in Gandalf after this amazing revelation and heart work from God. I was finally strong enough (only because of God) to stand up and say "You shall not Pass" or "You shall not have hold over me anymore".... I am done allowing Satan to have a foothold in these areas!!! But what's beautiful about this clip is that Gandalf goes off the edge of the clif with his sword (sword of the spririt) and he destroyed the demon. And everyone thinks he has died but then later on he comes back as Gandalf the White (he has been not only restored but has come back more powerful than before. The beauty of the sanctification process is that you get to a point when you die (die to self) and God restores us and we come back stronger than we were when we started.
I feel like this blog was a little all over the place but just wanted to share a little of my struggle and break through that I had recently!!!!
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