Ripping up the List

RIP IT UP!!!! GO AHEAD, THAT'S RIGHT RIP IT UP!!!

At this point you are probably asking "What in the world is she talking about? Rip what up?"

(((( The List))))

First, let me preface this by saying that this is geared toward single women, and yes I also am a single woman. I am 26 years old and have only been in one dating relationship in my life.

Now back to this list. As single women who have grown up in church most of us have heard this sentence at one time or another, "Make a list of all the traits you want in your spouse, give it to God, and he will give you the desires of your heart". At the age of 20 I did exactly that. Might I also note that this list consisted of 86 traits that I wanted in my spouse both non-physical and physical. Little did I know that I was setting myself up for failure, disappointment, and massive denial. No one told me that this man didn't actually exsist??? I mean come on!!!! What man could possibly live up to a list of 86 items, if I wanted that man I would have to marry Jesus Christ himself!!!

Now before you start thinking this is a blog about lowering your expectations, STOP RIGHT THERE :) In fact this blog is about quite the opposite. Having standards is important and vital, but it's absurd to make a list that no man can possibly live up to. Now matter how wonderful, amazing, and godly a man might be, he at some point is going to let you down and disappoint you. To put a man up to those standards is putting him on a pedestal and making him your little idol to worship. God gave men a new standard to follow:

"For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He
gave up his life for her" Ephesians 5:25

Ladies, do you understand what that means? You don't get much of a higher calling than that? And guess what God didn't need to give a list of 86 items. Besides loving Christ with his heart, soul, mind, and strength, this is the highest calling the man you marry will have. Think about how God treats you! Does he just sit on the sidelines watching tv, playing video games, playing golf with the buddies? NO! He pursues you! He sacrificed himself to the point of death for you! He loves on you! And there even times he digs to the very core of your soul and digs out the wounds, the hurts, the horrible stuff we don't even know is in us! He knows you in a way no other person possible can, and what's amazing is the worst things about you the "crap" you don't want anyone to know.... he knows that stuff and loves you anyway! The person you are in your worst moments is the person he died for because he loved you so much, and thought you were worth salvaging and restoring. He passionatly pursues you and wants all of you...

“Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.
There I will give her
back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will sing as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt"
- Hosea 2:14-15

Is the guy you are with or the guy you want to be with love God with all his heart? Honestly??? Does he? Does he pursue you???? In this culture we have gotten to a point where women chase and pursue men. Ladies, if you chase a man now, you will chase him the rest of your life!!! When you are dating that is when he is on his best behavior, that's when he is trying to impress you! To many girls are dating boys!!! In the words of one of my favorite pastors Mark Driscoll "Marriage is for MEN not for boys"... As women we have adopted this attitude of "He has a lot of potential, just no one understands him"... Ladies if you ever have to say that line you are dating a boy. Marriage is a very serious covenant. It is not to be entered into lightly. We get into relationships we should never be in because "We love him". Love isn't enough! Once that "romantic feeling" starts to fade you are going to find yourself in a world of hurt with a man that has no idea how to be a husband or love a woman let alone a child. Find a MAN that loves God with everything in him, has a job, doesn't spend all day playing world of warcraft, and is involved in his church and is pursuing other Godly men! Find a man that has a Holy Ambition and Passion and join him in that.

2 years ago I broke up with my boyfriend. I made a one year no dating covenant with God so that I could take some time to heal from the loss of this relationship. I rememeber crying out to God "I want that man that I can't live without, I want my soul mate, I want a love of my life".... One day while on a silence and solitude retreat and pouring my heart out to God I heard these words

"Heidi I am the love of your life"....

This changed the game for me. I realized that I needed to be ok with never having anything but God. Now I'm not saying that I don't want a husband! Far from it! I have a desire to be married and I know God put that desire in me. I realized that when God did bring me someone I would love them with everything in me, but first and foremost God was the love of my life and that I need to never put someone in that spot.

While in this no dating covenant a mentor of mine asked me "If you were a Godly man, would you marry you?... I had to stop and think about that. I had to ask myself some very serious questions... like the very traits that were on this "list" of things I wanted in a future husband. Was I displaying the very things I wanted in a spouse? It hit me that we as women spend so much time "looking for what we want in a husband" that we forgot to concentrate on gaining character and learning the lessons of what it would take to be a good wife. If it is my husbands job to love me as Christ love the church is it not also my job to him as Christ loved the church???

AT THAT MOMENT I RIPPED UP MY LIST!!!!!

I was no longer going to concentrate on what I wanted in a husband I was going to concentrate on what it was going to take to be a good wife so that when God finally brought me who I was to be with I would be a good "help mate". I needed to concetrate on my character, my attitude, my goals, seeking Godly women and asking them questions, observing the way they treated their husbandsm the way they raised their children!!! I listened to sermons, I read books, seeked out older Godly mentors, and seeked God about changing in me what needed changing.

Proverbs 31 Woman

" 10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. "

Ladies, you don't get to be like the proverbs 31 woman by sitting around waiting for your "prince charming to come". The scripture says "A wife of noble character who can find?" Character is KEY!!!! If you want to be a wife and a Godly woman? Seek God and ask him to give you character. In other words be a disciple. Seek God with everything in you, be a disciple, and seek to have a great character! Seek Godly women who can teach you how to be a wife and mother! BE WHAT YOU WANT TO MARRY! And realize to that what you think you need may not be what God thinks you need! By making a list you could be putting God in a box and because you are fixed on the 86 things you want in a man, you might actually miss the man God has for you.

This is what I prayed to God about a year ago:

"God I have no idea what I need all I ask is that you give me someone who loves you more than anything else, someone who will pursue me like Christ pursues the church, and someone who understands the "Father Heart of God" and will teach that to my children."


Have Standards! Don't pick a boy! Don't pick someone who is 3o yrs old, still lives at home with his mom cause he never grew up and can't keep a job, his mom still pays his bills and wipes his proverbial diaper! Pick a Godly man, who has a job, has grown up and moved out of his momma's house, is pursuing God and Godly men in the church. However, RIP UP THE LIST AND WORK ON YOU!!!! Trust that God will bring you the right one at the right time!!! The right guy at the wrong time is the wrong guy!!! Seek God! He will bring you what you need when you need it!!! Be a fierce, passionate, woman that seeks after God, the rest will follow :)