HOW SHALL I PRAY?

A Prayer by Ted Loder (Prayers for the Battle)

How shall I pray?
Are tears prayers, Lord?
Are screams prayers,
or groans
or sighs
or curses?
Can trembling hands be lifted to you,
or clenched fists
or the cold sweat that trickles down my back
or the cramps that knot my stomach?
Will you accept my prayers, Lord,
my real prayers,
rooted in the muck and the mud and the rock of my life,
and not just my pretty, cut-flower, gracefully arranged
bouquet of words?
Will you accept me, Lord,
as I really am,
messed up mixture of glory and grime?
Lord, help me!
Help me to trust that you do accept me as I am,
that I may be done with self-condemnation
and self-pity
and accept myself.
Help me to accept you as you are, Lord:
mysterious,
hidden,
strange,
unknowable;
and yet to trust
that your madness is wiser
than my timid, self-seeking sanities,
and that nothing you've ever done
has really been possible,
so I may dare to be a little mad, too. 

         

 Help Me to Believe in Beginnings  

by Ted Loder (Guerillas of Grace, Prayers for the Battle)

God of history and of my heart,
so much has happened to me during these whirlwind days:
I’ve known death and birth;
I’ve been brave and scared;
I’ve hurt, I’ve helped;
I’ve been honest, I’ve lied;
I’ve destroyed, I’ve created;
I’ve been with people, I’ve been lonely;
I’ve been loyal, I’ve betrayed;
I’ve decided, I’ve waffled;
I’ve laughed and I’ve cried. 

You know my frail heart and my frayed history -
and now another day begins.
O God, help me to believe in beginnings
and in my beginning again,
no matter how often I’ve failed before.

Help me to make beginnings:
to begin going out of my weary mind
into fresh dreams,
daring to make my own bold tracks
in the land of now;
to begin forgiving
that I may experience mercy;
to begin questioning the unquestionable
that I may know truth
to begin disciplining
that I may create beauty;
to begin sacrificing
that I may make peace;
to begin loving
that I may realize joy.
  

Help me to be a beginning to others,
to be a singer to the songless,
a storyteller to the aimless,
a befriender of the friendless;
to become a beginning of hope for the despairing,
of assurance for the doubting,
of reconciliation for the divided;
to become a beginning of freedom for the oppressed,
of comfort for the sorrowing,
of friendship for the forgotten;
to become a beginning of beauty for the forlorn,
of sweetness for the soured,
of gentleness for the angry,
of wholeness for the broken,
of peace for the frightened and violent of the earth 

 Help me to believe in beginnings,
to make a beginning,
to be a beginning,
so that I may not just grow old,
but grow new
each day of this wild, amazing life
you call me to live
with the passion of Jesus Christ.

What Can I Believe ( poem by Ted Loder)

This is a poem by Ted Loder in Guerrillas of Grace (Prayers for the Battle)

WHAT CAN I BELIEVE

O God, I am so fragile:
my dreams get broken,
my relationships get broken,
my heart gets broken,
my body gets broken.

What can I believe,
except that you will not despise a broken heart,
that old and broken people shall yet dream dreams,
and that the lame shall leap for joy,
the blind see,
the deaf hear.

What can I believe,
except what Jesus taught:
that only what is first broken, like bread,
can be shared;
that only what is broken,
is open to your entry;
that old wineskins must be ripped open and replaced
if the wine of new life is to expand.

So, I believe, Lord;
help my unbelief
that I may have courage to keep trying
when I am tired,
and to keep wanting passionately
when I am found wanting.

O God, I am so frail:
my life spins like a top,
bounced about by the clumsy hands
of demands beyond my doing,
fanned by furies
at a pace but half a step from hysteria,
so much to do,
my days so few and fast-spent,
and I mostly unable to recall
what I am rushing after.


What can I believe,
except that beyond the limits
of my little prayers and careful creeds,
I am not meant for dust and darkness,
but for dancing life and silver starlight.


Help my unbelief that I may have courage
to dare to love the enemies
I have the integrity to make;
to care for little else
save my brothers and sisters of the human family;
to take time to be truly with them,
take time to see,
take time to speak,
take time to learn with them
before time takes us;
and to fear failure and death less
than the faithlessness
of not embracing love’s risks.


God, I am so frantic:
somehow I’ve lost my gentleness
in a flood of ambition,
lost my sense of wonder
in a maze of videos and computers,
lost my integrity
in a shuffle of commercial disguises,
lost my gratitude
in a swarm of criticisms and complaints,
lost my innocence
in a sea of betrayals and compromises.


What can I believe,
except that the touch of your mercy
will ease the anguish of my memory;
that the tug of your Spirit
will empower me to help carry now the burdens
I have loaded on the lives of others;
that the example of Jesus
will inspire me to find again my humanity.


So, I believe, Lord;
help my unbelief
that I may have courage
to cut free from what I have been
and gamble on what can be,
and on what you
might laughingly do
with trembling me
for your incredible world.

Ripping up the List

RIP IT UP!!!! GO AHEAD, THAT'S RIGHT RIP IT UP!!!

At this point you are probably asking "What in the world is she talking about? Rip what up?"

(((( The List))))

First, let me preface this by saying that this is geared toward single women, and yes I also am a single woman. I am 26 years old and have only been in one dating relationship in my life.

Now back to this list. As single women who have grown up in church most of us have heard this sentence at one time or another, "Make a list of all the traits you want in your spouse, give it to God, and he will give you the desires of your heart". At the age of 20 I did exactly that. Might I also note that this list consisted of 86 traits that I wanted in my spouse both non-physical and physical. Little did I know that I was setting myself up for failure, disappointment, and massive denial. No one told me that this man didn't actually exsist??? I mean come on!!!! What man could possibly live up to a list of 86 items, if I wanted that man I would have to marry Jesus Christ himself!!!

Now before you start thinking this is a blog about lowering your expectations, STOP RIGHT THERE :) In fact this blog is about quite the opposite. Having standards is important and vital, but it's absurd to make a list that no man can possibly live up to. Now matter how wonderful, amazing, and godly a man might be, he at some point is going to let you down and disappoint you. To put a man up to those standards is putting him on a pedestal and making him your little idol to worship. God gave men a new standard to follow:

"For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He
gave up his life for her" Ephesians 5:25

Ladies, do you understand what that means? You don't get much of a higher calling than that? And guess what God didn't need to give a list of 86 items. Besides loving Christ with his heart, soul, mind, and strength, this is the highest calling the man you marry will have. Think about how God treats you! Does he just sit on the sidelines watching tv, playing video games, playing golf with the buddies? NO! He pursues you! He sacrificed himself to the point of death for you! He loves on you! And there even times he digs to the very core of your soul and digs out the wounds, the hurts, the horrible stuff we don't even know is in us! He knows you in a way no other person possible can, and what's amazing is the worst things about you the "crap" you don't want anyone to know.... he knows that stuff and loves you anyway! The person you are in your worst moments is the person he died for because he loved you so much, and thought you were worth salvaging and restoring. He passionatly pursues you and wants all of you...

“Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.
There I will give her
back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will sing as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt"
- Hosea 2:14-15

Is the guy you are with or the guy you want to be with love God with all his heart? Honestly??? Does he? Does he pursue you???? In this culture we have gotten to a point where women chase and pursue men. Ladies, if you chase a man now, you will chase him the rest of your life!!! When you are dating that is when he is on his best behavior, that's when he is trying to impress you! To many girls are dating boys!!! In the words of one of my favorite pastors Mark Driscoll "Marriage is for MEN not for boys"... As women we have adopted this attitude of "He has a lot of potential, just no one understands him"... Ladies if you ever have to say that line you are dating a boy. Marriage is a very serious covenant. It is not to be entered into lightly. We get into relationships we should never be in because "We love him". Love isn't enough! Once that "romantic feeling" starts to fade you are going to find yourself in a world of hurt with a man that has no idea how to be a husband or love a woman let alone a child. Find a MAN that loves God with everything in him, has a job, doesn't spend all day playing world of warcraft, and is involved in his church and is pursuing other Godly men! Find a man that has a Holy Ambition and Passion and join him in that.

2 years ago I broke up with my boyfriend. I made a one year no dating covenant with God so that I could take some time to heal from the loss of this relationship. I rememeber crying out to God "I want that man that I can't live without, I want my soul mate, I want a love of my life".... One day while on a silence and solitude retreat and pouring my heart out to God I heard these words

"Heidi I am the love of your life"....

This changed the game for me. I realized that I needed to be ok with never having anything but God. Now I'm not saying that I don't want a husband! Far from it! I have a desire to be married and I know God put that desire in me. I realized that when God did bring me someone I would love them with everything in me, but first and foremost God was the love of my life and that I need to never put someone in that spot.

While in this no dating covenant a mentor of mine asked me "If you were a Godly man, would you marry you?... I had to stop and think about that. I had to ask myself some very serious questions... like the very traits that were on this "list" of things I wanted in a future husband. Was I displaying the very things I wanted in a spouse? It hit me that we as women spend so much time "looking for what we want in a husband" that we forgot to concentrate on gaining character and learning the lessons of what it would take to be a good wife. If it is my husbands job to love me as Christ love the church is it not also my job to him as Christ loved the church???

AT THAT MOMENT I RIPPED UP MY LIST!!!!!

I was no longer going to concentrate on what I wanted in a husband I was going to concentrate on what it was going to take to be a good wife so that when God finally brought me who I was to be with I would be a good "help mate". I needed to concetrate on my character, my attitude, my goals, seeking Godly women and asking them questions, observing the way they treated their husbandsm the way they raised their children!!! I listened to sermons, I read books, seeked out older Godly mentors, and seeked God about changing in me what needed changing.

Proverbs 31 Woman

" 10 A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.
12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.
13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.
14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.
15 She gets up while it is still night;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her female servants.
16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.
19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.
21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.
25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
29 “Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all.”
30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
31 Honor her for all that her hands have done,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate. "

Ladies, you don't get to be like the proverbs 31 woman by sitting around waiting for your "prince charming to come". The scripture says "A wife of noble character who can find?" Character is KEY!!!! If you want to be a wife and a Godly woman? Seek God and ask him to give you character. In other words be a disciple. Seek God with everything in you, be a disciple, and seek to have a great character! Seek Godly women who can teach you how to be a wife and mother! BE WHAT YOU WANT TO MARRY! And realize to that what you think you need may not be what God thinks you need! By making a list you could be putting God in a box and because you are fixed on the 86 things you want in a man, you might actually miss the man God has for you.

This is what I prayed to God about a year ago:

"God I have no idea what I need all I ask is that you give me someone who loves you more than anything else, someone who will pursue me like Christ pursues the church, and someone who understands the "Father Heart of God" and will teach that to my children."


Have Standards! Don't pick a boy! Don't pick someone who is 3o yrs old, still lives at home with his mom cause he never grew up and can't keep a job, his mom still pays his bills and wipes his proverbial diaper! Pick a Godly man, who has a job, has grown up and moved out of his momma's house, is pursuing God and Godly men in the church. However, RIP UP THE LIST AND WORK ON YOU!!!! Trust that God will bring you the right one at the right time!!! The right guy at the wrong time is the wrong guy!!! Seek God! He will bring you what you need when you need it!!! Be a fierce, passionate, woman that seeks after God, the rest will follow :)

Facing Your Demons

The past two weeks have been pretty life changing for me. I was was brought to the end of myself for the first time in a very long time. I don't remember the last time I felt so helpless, wounded, empty, and angry. God brought to the surface my 2 biggest "strongholds" in my life... Things that I have struggled with for years... Over the years I have learned to love the sanctification process, I have grown to love the heart work that God does. I had never been scared to face things God brought to me in the past until this.... The past two weeks have been some of the most gut-wrenching weeks of my life. I was laying in a fetal position crying to God and telling him I didn't think my heart could withstand what he wanted me to face... It was one of those what Pastor Michael calls "Atomic Moments" (Atomic Moments - "normally come through the dark matter, coming out of denial, struggles, trials, the dark places in life, the desert, depression, the dark night of the soul" - Michael Welchert). I didn't know if I was ready to "die" to these specific things because frankly it hurt so freaking bad... but I could feel myself entering into it (God wasn't gonna allow me to continue)... My soul felt just stripped of everything (the will to fight, spiritual gifts, anything that made me feel like me). But the freedom once God revealed my sin and I was able to repent was so amazing... There is no way for me to explain the amount of freedom I feel and the weight that has been lifted from me. These past two weeks felt like such a spiritual battle and I felt like I was fighting with everything in me. Just yesterday I was reflecting on what God had shown me, and for some reason this clip from Lord of The Rings came into my mind.... I was watching this clip and it hit me how much it paralleled with a spiritual battle on the inside. I was seeign myself in Gandalf after this amazing revelation and heart work from God. I was finally strong enough (only because of God) to stand up and say "You shall not Pass" or "You shall not have hold over me anymore".... I am done allowing Satan to have a foothold in these areas!!! But what's beautiful about this clip is that Gandalf goes off the edge of the clif with his sword (sword of the spririt) and he destroyed the demon. And everyone thinks he has died but then later on he comes back as Gandalf the White (he has been not only restored but has come back more powerful than before. The beauty of the sanctification process is that you get to a point when you die (die to self) and God restores us and we come back stronger than we were when we started.

I feel like this blog was a little all over the place but just wanted to share a little of my struggle and break through that I had recently!!!!

Beauty in the Mist of Rubble

There are no words to describe the devastation that has happened to Joplin. When I saw what they call "Ground Zero" I was absolutly speechless. It was the most unreal sight I had ever seen. Everything was destroyed!



But even in the midst of rubble came some bits of beauty. While working out in the field, a little girl of about 8 had come out with her mother (a lady in our group) to help pick up rubble! I remember tearing up a little and thinking "Even at a young age is learning to be the hands and feet of Jesus, in the midst of a National Disaster this little girl is making a diffrence"...... I remember seeing American Flags waving from what was left of buildings that were destroyed!!!! The "American Spirit" was so strong!!! People came from all over to volunteer, as my friend Bruce said "We are Americans and this is how we do things".......Churches from all over were helping victims find things in the rubble, cut down trees and hauled them to the road, ministered to the victims with a simple act of kindness, hand shake, hug, prayer, or just an ear to listen!!!! I saw so many people being the Hands and Feet of Jesus and it was BEAUTIFUL!!!!.... I saw many many people riding around in trucks or on 4-wheelers driving around the neighborhoods giving out food and water to volunteers in the field and encouraging them!!!! There has been such an outpouring of donations that the Redcross and the Churches that are being used for distribution centers are actually asking that people stop sending things!!!! How amazing is that!!!! How amazing that there was such an outpouring of love for the people of Joplin that they can no longer keep everything that is coming in!!!!! The Love and Generosity that has been shown was so humbling and beautiful to see!!!



"You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust.... You make beautiful things out of us" - Gungor



I didn't want to write to much, just wanted to share a piece of my heart, and share a little bit of the beauty I saw amongst the rubble.

Am I brave enough to be myself

In some ways I don't know what all it entails to be me. I am constantly changing and discovering new things about myself and becoming a new person. Sometimes I wonder if I am brave enough to be myself. For the most part I am pretty much an open book. I don't hide things, and lead an open life. As my journey with Christ has deepened I have become more comfortable in my own skin, because I have finally started to figure out a little bit of who I really am. But, there are many things I remain insecure about. I'm a loud person and I always have been.....Most of the time I have no idea I am being so but people constantly remind me (for the most part it doesnt seem to bother people)...but I'm not gonna lie it'a embarresing to be known as "the loud one". I think because society seems to put this stigma on ladies, that they need to be quiet and soft spoken. I also tend to be the tom boy.....I am most comfortable in a pair of jeans and a hoodie... Recently I have begun to start dressign I guess what you would call "girly"...but I find myself feeling out of place. Sometimes I wonder am I really a tom boy? or do I like to dress that way because that's how I have always dressed? Am I now dressing girly because I feel like I have to? because thats whats proper for girls to do? Or am i just not comfortable with it yet? Sorry I feel liek I am going in circles here. Highschool was such an awkward time for me....I was in a really bad place in my life, suicidal, depressed etc..... I dressed in camo pants and t-shirts, or just jeans and t-shirts (yes feel free to make fun).... Although I am a far cry from that now sometimes I still feel like that awkward girl. As much as I grow sometimes it's hard to figure out who I am? I sometimes still feel very awkward....Im loud, outgoing, and full of opinions!!!! I'm not soft spoken, graceful, or girly. Sometimes I can't figure out if that's just me and if it's ok?

Sometimes it's hard to figure out who I really am? And what the expectations are that i should be? And if I figure it out would I have the courage to be myself or would I constantly be trying to change to fit what society thinks I should be like? Not in major ways just in stupid ways like dress etc????? Anyway those are just some things that have been on my mind. Am I brave enough to be myself? And frankly what is that? In small areas like this I still don't know!