Will You Go Away As Well?????

In the recent years I have been obsessed with the account in the bible where Jesus went from 5,000 disciples to 12....He asks the question "Will you go away as well" speaking to the twelve. Peter says something that has always gave me goose bumps. He says "Where else are we to go Lord, you have the words of eternal life. We have believed and come to know that you are the holy one of God".



As disciples of Christ (note I said disciples not christians) I think it is imporant to ask ourselves some hard questions...Being a disciple of Christ is not easy and if someone ever told you that they have no idea what they are talking about, and probably arent one. You worship someone who was beaten, persecuted, ridiculed, and murdered. If you don't want to experience suffering then don't sign up to be a disciple of Jesus! To many times in our society people (especially christians) when something bad happens we ask the questions "Where was God?"..."God why didn't you stop it?" or "God why did you let this happen?". I used to be one of those people...I would blame God when something went wrong. But, about 8 months ago I had to ask myself some hard questions. "Why do I really follow God?" "If God never answered another prayer would I still follow him?" "If God never gave me the desires of my heart would I still worship and follow him?"....these questions rocked my world because it made me face the reality of why I choose to be a follower of Christ. Did I really expect to never go through hard times? Have bad things happen?



I've been a christian since I was 7, but it wasnt until 4 yrs ago in November that I encountered God in a way that would change my life forever. When I look back the past 4 yrs and see what God brought me out of and see how God saved me from myself and my situations

I am so unbelievably humbled!!! All I can do is fall at the feet of Jesus and Thank him for his imaginable Grace on a sinner like me. And I asked myself "Heidi if God never answered another prayer would you leave?" and I remember falling to my knees crying and having the same words as Peter, I can imagine now how he felt...I remember telling God "Where am I gonna go???....Look what you brought me out of!!!! It was in that moment I knew that I truly loved God!!! I will never be able to thank him enough for how he has saved me (mostly from myself)...that God would lower himself not only just to save me from Hell (A physical place) but he loves me enough to save me from my personal Hells inside!!!!!



I think we have stopped asking ourselves these hard questions....as American's we avoid any type of grief, hurt, or sorrows. We cringe at any form of discomfort. As disciples of Christ I think it is pertinant to ask ourselves these questions...being a disciple is not something to be taken lightly!!! We have choosen to follow someone who lived a life of suffering.



As Pastor Mark Driscoll says "You worship someone who was murdered lean over the plate and take one for the team"



I think in order to be able to say "God where else can I go" you need to have a healthy view of your depth of your sin and what God has brought you out of....I think we would be less likely to question God and complain about suffering. Let me just state that I preaching to myself here!!! There are still many times that I complain about stupid things and I question God and I have to remind myself who it is I worship!!!!

Dont waste your life

Tonight there was a memorial service held at my church for a beautiful, kind, amazing woman of God.....it was evident by the amount of people that came that she touched many lives and left a beautiful legacy...

Death always brings a sober hit...that we shouldn't take life for grantide...that we shouldn't even take for grantide that you will alive in the next 10 min. Not all of us will live till we are old. Some of us may die young, we don't know when. As I lay here pondering this, it is even more real to me that it is possible to waste your life...Oh how I hope I don't waste my life!!! Times like tonight humble me to the bottom of my soul. I am so utterly aware of how wicked I am....wicked but so so extremely loved by my savior who lowered himself to have Grace on me!!!! I hope that I never take that for grantide... Oh how I hope God will help me take advantage of every situation he puts in front of me.. That I would not waste one hurt, wound, or situation were I have hurt or wounded someone. That I would take every day and try and love the people around me and try to show them Christ!!!

I hope to God I don't stand in front of Christ and have to say I wasted my life!!!

Trusting his Heart

Tonight my heart is raw, open, the layers of fakery stripped away
Tonight it's just you and me
My tears fall as I sit on my lap top writing this
my false self is slowing dying away
I can no longer hide behind the streams of positive words and fake hopeful declarations I use as a wall to disquise my real heart
My real heart which screams out did I do something wrong? Have I failed you?
But wait even that's not the heart of it, that's not the real fear
I can feel the real questions surfacing
Am I a bad Daughter? Are you dissapointed in me?

How long till I am ready
When is my time?

I walk around, my heart hurting, in pain
You told me to let this vision die, but I don't know how
My heart fails me!
I try and stay strong, but I don't have the strength
I fear the frailty of my heart at times!
I fear to let go, even though it has already died

My heart is going against everything I know is true
That you love me!
You are my Father therefore you will take care of me
You don't just love me, you know me! In the most intimate way possible
You love my soul!
and even though I know this, my heart screams "It's never going to happen for you"
The battle wages between my heart and my mind!

I will not give in
The only thing left to do is trust in you
Your heart
I know your heart!
Your Father's heart is what I have staked my life on
I don't know your plan, but I know you
and in that I will Trust!!!!

Exposure of my False Self: Letter to God

You broke down my wall...you exposed my false self...you even used someone else to prove that i am loved for who I am right now...so now I have no excuse...you have opened the wound...there is no way to try and hide this even from myself...you exposed in me what I didn't even know exsisted...only you could love me this much... you enter the depths of my soul...parts of myself that have never seen light...you break down the shelves of ornaments I have made to myself...you tear down the shrines I have made to those things in my life that keep me in my place of my comfort zone...but you won't have it...you love me far to much...only you can love me by wounding me in the place of my deepest wounds and secrets...you are the lover of my soul...you love me in ways no human being ever could...your love is far beyond anything I have ever known or experienced...you pursue me relentlessly but with a gentleness that is beyond comprehension...you push past my fakery, my hypocracy, and my lies...you have exposed me, therefore you have loved me

Hurts Twice as Much

I have always been known as an open person....I find it fairly easy to be honest and open with people about my feelings (hence the reason I like to blog).....and since I am blunt (with tact of course) I usually don't mind sharing my feelings and experiences with people.....I'm not a very private person!!! I don't have anything to hide so I share a lot of what is going on in my life!! God has done so much healing in my life I like to share it with other's!!!

Relationships with people have usually come very easy to me as well... I am outgoing and don't really know a stranger....I'm the person that will go introduce myself to a perfect stranger. I love people....And I have always given people a 100% chance when I meet them! No matter how many times I have been hurt in the past! I tend not to hold grudges....I don't know how smart the whole 100% trust thing is but that's who I am.... I try not to compare people...but with this can come a lot of hurt....I don't guard my heart. I give myself to people 200%...when I love someone I love them! I love hard! And I tend to love people very easily!

One thing I have come to discover is that because of my past with my dad....my relationships with males are extra sensitive! If I get hurt it hurts twice as bad! I am more likely to feel rejected or abandoned twice as fast! I always fear the men in my life (friends, God father, etc) will wake up one day and say "Your not worth it" and leave!!! I know in my head it won't happen but deep down in my heart of hearts it's always a fear! I never feel God will leave me just people! I kinda feel like I am drifting and getting off the point so let me real it back in! Back in February my Ex and I ended our relationship.....and for 6 months after I couldn't move on! And through a weird circumstance we started talking again about 3 weeks ago and come to find out he still loved me! We decided we wanted to pray about getting back together and whether it was the right thing...was it what God had for us....anyway I'm not going to go into details but we decided that getting back together was not the best thing and that even though we loved each other there were to many issues that were still getting in the way! We ended things on great terms, told each other we loved each other and that was it! It was done! I didn't think it was possible but my heart worse the 2nd time around! Some good stuff came out of it...I got closure and God revealed some awesome stuff to me through him! He was a great guy and I won't ever regret it.....but for the first time I am truly scared to ever do this again! He was my first love and so I know that might be part of it but I also know myself and know that I gave my heart away to quickly! And even though it was a good experience and learned a lot....it hurt and still does so much! I never knew it could feel that bad! It felt like someone ripped my heart out of my chest! And for the first time I am scared to open my heart up again! I don't want to be that person but I also don't want to be that peron who always gives her heart away to where there is nothing left or only pieces left! I'm scared to give my heart away again! I know it's natural to be scared that you are gonna get hurt but that's not normally who I am so this is fairly new to me! I always seem to go to an extreme....I just want to be balanced...not to guarded but not to where I am frivelous with my heart!

Just needed to get that out!

Love you all :)

Facing the Wound

There are times I feel like my heart is screaming and I wonder if anyone can hear it???

Thoreau said: "The masses of humanity live lives of quiet desperation".

Many people walk around in a constant state of pain...not physically but emotionally! They are torn up inside...their heart is screaming, pleading for someone to listen, who will care. I meet people so wounded inside it's a wonder they function on a daily basis. I was once once one of these people. I struggledwith suicide, depression, and panic attacks. I wasn't living I was just functioning...I lived my life like a robot! It just came apart of life I didn't know any other way. It just became something I lived with and figured there was no way out. My Pastor once told me and I thought it was awsome, he said "People learn to normalize pain"...how true is that? How many times do we not face our real pain? We don't go to the root of our problem!!! We don't face the wound or pain (either inflicted by ourselves or others) we just shove it and stuff it!!! We walk around with this crap inside for years!!! It festers and the infection of it grows over the years and we don't even recognize it!!! We just keep stuffing the pain and never face it! As a culture we are afraid of pain or discomfort!!! We do anything to avoid it... we cover it up with distractions (tv, computer, x-box, phone, etc)

We go to a doctor when we are sick but never go to the one who can really heal us on the inside when we are dying on the inside..

"There are more people walking around the communities of America that are more wounded on the inside than they are on the outside" - Pastor Michael

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because I am marked out by him to give good news to the poor, he has sent me to make well those who are broken hearted; to say that the prisoners will be let go, and the blind will see, and to make the wounded free from their chains" - Luke 4:18

I think a lot of our problem is not that we feel the pain but that we don't face it! We are to scared to face the wound, to face our true selves! It's scary to face it but it is necssary!

"What was laid down in pain can only be accessed in pain" - Pastor Michael
"God opens the wound he doesn't put a band-aid on it" - Pastor Michael

But I also think there is another level...there are people who face "Their demons"...allow God in to heal those areas. We go through desert seasons where it feels like God just isnt there! Horrible things happen....people we love get sick, sometimes there is a death, sometimes we are so lonely we can't stand it....and we wonder where is God? Has he abandoned us? Is he who he really said he is?

It's during these times that God builds the most character in us, this is where our Faith is increased, this is the place where we find what we are made of, it's in the desert season you find out whether you were following God cause you love him or are you following him because of what he gives you? It's in this place the disciple inside of you is born and cultivated! What Iv'e noticed (not just speaking to other's I'm talking to myself here) is that we can tend to throw pity parties for ourselves...There is a proper time for grieving...whether if there is a lost of a loved one or a relationship (talking to myself since I just ended one that meant a lot to me) but then there is time to get up and move on...we can't live in the same place forever...it is so easy to get consumed with our own problems and feelings we almost become narcissist's...we can't see past ourselves.

"There is a time to grieve and then there's a time to quit nursing your wounds" - Joyce Meyers

"Quit feeling sorry for yourself and serve somebody, somewhere somebody is hurting worse than you"- Joyce Meyers

When I heard her say that I was floored!!! I nurse my wounds all the time, I sit around crying feeling sorry for myself...and I have been doing that a lot since my recent relationship ended....I'm thinking it's time for me to quit nursing the pain, get up and go do something for someone else!!!

Love you all!!! Be blessed

Michael Welchert (aka Yoda): Favorite Quotes (here's to you) :)

"The day after the battle is more important than the day before"


"Never let your personality take you where your character can't keep you"


"You are a disciple, you follow God not other people"


"God wants someone in this hour that is whole, sound, complete, who is not shaken not stirred, full of moral integrity, who has the guts and the backbone and has ripped the yellow out of their belly"


"God never wastes a hurt"


"Have you ever tried to cast something out of you and found that it was God?"


"Sometimes in the waves of change you find your true direction"


"The Art of the heart is to hear with the Ear what the Spirit is speaking"


"Our worst sins arise as our response to our innate fear that we are nothing"


"The deepest cry of the human heart is to know God as Father"


"Pride is the house we build in order to hide when we are breaking down inside"


"You can never truly humiliate a truly humble person"


"Don't perpetuate an idea about yourself that doesn't contain the whole truth about yourself"


"I feel lost without hope I feel desperate without vision"


"Those who judge don't know and those who know don't judge"


"People learn to normalize pain"


"Your success will be equal to your ability to confront your pain"


"The lessons that have been laid down in pain can only be accessed in pain"


"God opens the wound he doesn't put a band-aid on it"


"I didn't put on Christ to sit the bench"


"To encourage is to put courage into someone"


"Encouraging could break the back of the devil on someone's life"


"Pain is your ally, it will tell you when you are seriously injured, it will keep you awake and angry, and remind you to finish the job and get the hell home. But you know the best thing about pain? It lets you know you are not dead yet!"


"You don't have to be a statistic you can be a standard bearer"


"Rejection also refers to the residue within our personality of being deeply wounded"


"Life is not about what you do but about what you are becoming"


"The attack and wound was deliberate because Satan was threatened by what God put in you"


"The very place that should be your weakest becomes the place of your strength and your destiny"


"Everyone wants to blame the devil but you will never grow until you take responsibility for your own actions"

"Courage is not the absence of fear but the conquering of it"


"Short memory accounts for small faith"


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option"


"You are only as sick as your secrets"